


Turnabout Intruder

by xcourtney_chaoticx



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Episode, Canon-Typical Violence, Episode Remix, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mild Language, Mind Meld, Switching bodies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-22
Updated: 2014-03-22
Packaged: 2018-01-13 08:53:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 27,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1220158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xcourtney_chaoticx/pseuds/xcourtney_chaoticx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TOS Turnabout Intruder reboot. </p><p>The Enterprise is called to the scientific outpost on Camus II to rescue a pair of archaeologists whose team was decimated by a mysterious disease... or were they? It might just be a trap set by one of them, Janice Lester, to get the one she always wanted and felt she had been unjustly denied: a Starfleet captaincy. </p><p>Full summary inside.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I had just wanted to do up a cool reboot rewrite of the TOS episode 'Turnabout Intruder', in which a woman called Janice Lester gets revenge on Kirk for jilting her at the Academy by switching bodies with him and taking over the Enterprise, causing a court martial of the crew and a mutiny in the process. It turned into a 50 (handwritten) pg beast with some Spirk tucked in for good measure (but not til later).
> 
> This was my baby for quite a while, so I hope you all will enjoy it as much as I do/did.
> 
> Warnings: some language and violence in later chapters; Spirk in later chapters but not explicit.

"Captain, we are safely in orbit around Camus II."

"Excellent, Mr. Sulu," Cpt. Kirk tells his pilot, then spins his chair to the right to face his first officer, "Spock, let's go. Uhura, alert the transporter room. Sulu, you have the conn."

Kirk and Spock leave the bridge and head down to Medical, where they add Dr. McCoy to their landing party, then make their way to the transporter room. Scotty and two security officers are waiting for them. Scotty greets them warmly, saying, "Five to beam down, sir?"

"Yes, indeed, Mr. Scott."

The men take their places on the platform and when all are situated on their respective pads, Kirk, barks out, "Energize!" to the operators. His body is enveloped in a familiar tingling sensation as he and the four others are disassembled into atoms and perfectly deposited on the planet below. The Enterprise had received a distress call from the small scientific outpost on Camus II only a day before, as soon as they had passed within communication range of the planet. A Dr. Coleman claimed that some sort of illness was killing the personnel one by one, until only he and one other were left, and would the Enterprise please come save them from this disease. How could Kirk refuse them?

The away team follows their captain and Chief Medical Officer, the latter pulling out his tricorder to make sure they weren't at risk of being infected. Kirk keeps an eye out for trouble, knowing how it loves him and will more often than not find him. Spock and McCoy seem oblivious to danger, absorbed in their tricorders and instrument readouts. Kirk and the two security officers have their phasers out and ready. He won't let anything happen to his friends and crew. Not today. He quickly surveys their surroundings.

Camus II was, according to Federation archeologists, the site of an immense, thriving, and very advanced civilization that one day simply vanished, leaving their enormous city entirely abandoned. The outpost had been set up to continue further studies on the planet in order to determine why the civilization had vanished so completely. Nothing appeared wrong with the planet. The vegetation is still fully intact and healthy. They left no reports of a great disaster or epidemic. The archeological post had apparently saved time upon arrival by setting up in the remains of the buildings. Kirk notes the buildings are not particularly tall but instead take up a great deal of space on the ground; the tallest is only three stories. Each one is covered in thick vegetation that has crawled up the walls.

"Well, I can't find anything suspicious out here," McCoy states, lowering his tricorder, "If it's a sickness got 'em, it didn't come from nature… unless something contaminated the food or water, but I'd need to examine that to be sure, Jim."

"We'll do that when we find 'em. Spock, you got a life sign reading yet?"

"I am still attempting to lock on to an exact location, though all immediate evidence suggests they are very close."

"How many?" Kirk and McCoy ask together.

"Two. One male and one female… Human… and the male is approaching."

"Must be Dr. Coleman," Kirk mutters, "the guy that called us for help."

"Or it could be someone else entirely," McCoy growls, "someone who laid a trap…"

"Spock, Greenley, Redfeather, set phasers to stun. Be sharp."

His orders are met with a trio of affirmatives and the buzzing of the phasers being set. Wind rustles through the vine leaves on the abandoned buildings, whistles through broken and empty windows. Kirk feels his heart pounding in his chest. He turns to Spock, who motions to a nearby door that leads into a smaller building. Kirk nods in response. Spock's readings show the male approaching the door, and he will be there soon. Kirk tightens his grip on his phaser and notes Spock does the same, both preparing for a fight.

The battle never comes. The male on the readout is indeed Dr. Arthur Coleman. An archeologist of fair talent, he stands before them with hunched shoulders, close cropped white hair, and skin tanned and spotted from years of digging in the suns of many systems. His long, thin face bears an expression of relief as he extends a bony, gnarled hand out to the captain, saying, "Oh, thank God you're here! Yes, thank God! I was beginning to think you wouldn't come in time, that me and poor Miss Lester would die here! Please hurry, Miss Lester is in a bad way."

"You wouldn't be talking about _Janice_ Lester, would you?" Kirk asks.

"Yes, do you know her? Oh, not now, sir, please just help us. Follow me…"

Kirk frowns slightly, following the hunched shoulders and ushering his team to follow him in turn. Janice Lester had once been a promising Command cadet at Starfleet Academy, the same year as Kirk. Just after their second year, however, she mysteriously disappeared, and it was largely presumed she had been kidnapped. Her parents offered a fantastic reward, and Starfleet launched a massive search alongside several police departments, but she couldn't be found. Just as inexplicably as she vanished, she reappeared, seeming no worse for wear. She could not recall where she had been or who had taken her, but she knew she had been kidnapped. No evidence could be found to nail down a perpetrator, and so no arrests were made. Starfleet put her through mandatory psychiatric evaluation before she resumed her studies in order to determine if she could handle the stress of being a command officer. She failed spectacularly, according to rumor.

Janice Lester was deemed unfit for duty and was quietly discharged from the Academy. Starfleet helped her get a position in her university of choice in whatever field she desired, so she chose archaeology and anthropology as her majors, adding on a minor in xenological studies, and quickly obtained both her undergraduate and graduate degrees at Johns Hopkins University and the University of Pennsylvania respectively. Now it seemed she contracts with Starfleet for archaeological digs across the Federation. Kirk tries to remember her face. He does remember that he liked her very much. She would have made a great captain one day had those kidnappers not damaged her so badly.

The five men follow Coleman into the ancient building. No walls are there to break up the interior into rooms, making it look enormous compared to the outside. The floor is covered in a faded and broken mosaic of designs that can just barely be distinguished. Their booted footsteps echo off the walls, and Kirk can hear pieces of the ceiling crumbling onto the small tiles. It's sad to think the building is falling to bits around them.

Coleman leads them to the rear of the building and opens a trapdoor in the floor Kirk is sure he never would have found; even Spock seems surprised by it.

"Miss Lester is down here, where it's dark and cool. I burned the other bodies to avoid their disease spreading, but I guess I was too late for Janice," he tells you sadly.

McCoy responds quietly, "I'll go down and have a look at her, then call the Enterprise. Lead the way, Dr. Coleman."

"Of course, Dr.-…?"

"Forgive me. My name is McCoy. Leonard McCoy."

The doctors disappear down the trapdoor, and a few minutes later, McCoy calls for Kirk. The captain follows the steps down into a dimly lit room filled with scientific equipment. Several rooms shoot off from this one. McCoy calls again, and Kirk follows his voice into one of the smaller rooms. This one is even more dimly lit than the first, and his eyes take a while to adjust. The walls and floors are simple packed earth. What appears to be the sickroom contains two rows of six cots and an ancient machine Kirk presumes is diagnostic. He approaches the two doctors and the young woman resting fitfully on a cot.

Janice Lester looks small, frail, and pallid, very sickly in comparison with bright and cheerful personality at the Academy. Her short, dark hair is a mess of sweaty tangles, her face shining with perspiration. Eyes move frantically beneath her lids. Muscles twitch under her skin. Kirk feels very sorry for her.

"You stay here with her and Coleman, Jim," McCoy says softly, "I've got to go up and call the ship. Can't get a signal down here. I need to get Miss Lester up there and run a full diagnostic. I'll be right back."

McCoy hurries out and back up to the main level. Kirk turns his attention to Lester. He is surprised to see a pair of grey eyes staring blearily up at him. She parts her cracked lips and rasps out, "Jim… that you?"

"Yeah… yeah, Janice, it is," Kirk replies, "I'd say it's good to see you again, but not like this."

"So… you're a… a captain already… knew you had it in you."

"You did, too, you know."

"Still do, Jim. If I… if I would've had more time to… to readjust… they just wanted rid of me…"

That strikes Kirk as odd, but he tells her, "No, they didn't want rid of you. They did all they could, but… you didn't come back the same. You weren't predictable anymore. You just weren't ready then."

Her gaze darkens as she says, "So you think they were right in drumming me out?"

"Well, I mean, I don't really know, Janice. I wasn't there. I don't know what happened to you or in your eval or-"

"No! You think they were right!" she cries, suddenly hysterical, "You think I'm crazy!"

"Janice, Janice, no. Please, Janice, just calm down. I didn't mean to upset you, okay? I'm… I'm sorry. Please, just calm down."

He reaches out to calm her. His fingertips graze her shoulder. His world goes black. When he wakes, he is strapped to a table with Lester grinning over him, her hair hanging lank about her shoulders. She looks completely mad.

"I'm going to prove they were wrong about me, Jim," she hisses, "We found this old machine the ancient inhabitants left behind. You know what it does? It transfers life-energy from one body to another. Know what that means? It means that I can walk around in whatever body I want… like yours."

Kirk struggles vainly against his restraints, wondering where the hell McCoy is. Didn't he say he would be back by now? Lester chuckles at him.

"I am going to do exactly what I want with your body, Jim, and there is nothing you can do to stop me. Coleman, strap me in. Can't have him escaping once he's me."

"As you wish, Janice," the old man replies slowly.

He pushes and pulls and wriggles fiercely, trying to escape his bonds. Why aren't McCoy and Spock here to help him? What's taking them so long? Are they under fire? Are they hurt? Are they-?

Lester barks out a command, and Kirk blacks out again.

xXxXx

"So sorry, Dr. McCoy," Coleman says, "Didn't mean to shut the door on you. Forgot you wouldn't be able to find it again. Thankfully, Janice is no worse."

McCoy lets out a huff, telling him, "Well, you're lucky. She's in bad shape. I've had my team set up a nice room for her away from prying eyes. I've gotta go get Redfeather-"

"I'll help you, doctor," Kirk states, emerging from the shadows, "Don't need to get anyone else to help."

"Alright, Jim, help me find a stretcher…"

Janice Lester is mercifully unconscious. They find a good stretcher after a quick search, and Lester is so light that McCoy feels they are barely carrying anything but the stretcher. Spock is waiting for them at the top of the steps, along with Greenley and Redfeather.

"Doctor, is everyone well?" Spock asks flatly; McCoy knows he was a bit worried.

"Besides Miss Lester? Yeah, they're alright. Coleman just shut the invisible door by accident. Here, you lead the way, Spock. Me and Jim got this handled."

Halfway back to the transport point, McCoy is starting to feel the extra 120 pounds of dead weight he and Kirk are hauling across the deserted city. Kirk is strangely quiet. McCoy remembers that Kirk knew Lester at the Academy before her strange disappearance, so he makes nothing of it. Spock calls up to the Enterprise to beam up seven where five had been sent down, and McCoy is relieved when he is transported in one piece and not fused with the stretcher.

Nurse Chapel is waiting for him with a hover stretcher. McCoy and Kirk carefully deposit Lester onto the next stretcher, and McCoy and Chapel take her up to medical, Coleman on their heels. Lester is placed in a private room, away from regular Enterprise patients in order to better assess her mental and physical state. Once she is settled in, he allows Kirk and Coleman to enter.

"How's the patient?" Kirk asks.

"Unconscious. Think she'll make a full recovery. I'm gonna order another round of more in depth tests and set up a rotation for the nurses-"

"I'd like to help, Dr. McCoy," Coleman interrupts, "I… we've been through a great deal together, Janice and I, and I'd very much like to be there for her."

McCoy sizes the other man up. He's an archaeologist, not a medical doctor… but he was pretty smart to recognize disease and trying to prevent its spread. Coleman _does_ seem to care for the girl. After a moment, McCoy agrees, "Alright, you can sit with her, but if anything goes downhill, you call for medical personnel the _second_ it happens, got it? Here, lemme get ya a comm to the nurse's station…"

A nurse comes in before he can leave, handing him a datapad with test results from the body material they could recover from the dead Camus II scientists. He is stunned.

"Dr. McCoy? What is it?"

"Why, your crew didn't die from disease, Dr. Coleman."

"What? Of course, they did! I watched them deteriorate with my own eyes! One at a time!"

"They deteriorated, yes, but from disease. They all died of celebium poisoning."

Coleman resembles a goldfish, opening and closing his mouth, unable to formulate a response. McCoy huffs, continuing, "And that I find particularly odd because Miss Lester is not suffering from celebium poisoning. In fact, I can find nothing at this time that would explain her illness. Now, there could be something immediate scans have missed, so we're gonna go in for some more in depth tests shortly."

Coleman continues to gape. McCoy huffs again, grumbling, "Go in and sit with her while I go get yer damn comm…"

xXxXx

"Listen, Coleman, you better stay here and keep him out of the way," Lester hisses, motioning to her own unconscious body lying on the biobed.

It's strange to hear Lester's words come out of a strange man's mouth, but this was what she wanted. Coleman asks flatly, "How would you like me to do that?"

"However you would like. Personally, I want you to kill him. That way he can't come back and fuck this up."

"Oh no, Janice, I couldn't kill him, no when he hasn't done anything wrong… and that's… that's you laying there. Oh, I couldn't do it, dear girl-"

" _Watch it, old man_ ," she growls, "Another slip like that, especially in front of someone, and I throw you in the brig. _Do you understand me_?"

Coleman's only reply is "Yessir," calm and quiet. Vivid blue eyes narrow, eyes so unlike Lester's even with her crazed fire behind them, and she says, "Good. Keep him… her out of the way."

McCoy returns with the comm unit, grumbling about incompetence. Lester slaps a grin on Kirk's face and greets him, "There you are, doc. Thought you got lost."

"I didn't, but my nurses seem to have done. Anyway, Coleman, here's a comm for ya. Anything you need, she starts goin' downhill, you call for help and we'll come runnin'."

"Of course, Dr. McCoy," Lester says, "I'm sure Coleman with take very good care of Janice."

The grin Lester wears on Kirk's face is terrifying. It's unfortunate McCoy doesn't see it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Benecia, Captain?" Spock asks, eyebrow cocked, "Are you sure that is wise?"

Kirk fixes him with a strange look, asking in return, "What do you mean, Mr. Spock?"

"We have a scheduled rendezvous with the Potemkin in only a week's time at Beta Aurigae. If Miss Lester and Dr. Coleman are indeed suffering from celebium poisoning, then Starbase 2 would be more suited to our purposes. Coleman and Lester would receive better treatment for their condition and our rendezvous would not be affected by that short of a delay."

"My orders are to change course for Benecia," Kirk grinds out, " _Do not_ question me. Understood?"

Spock quirks his eyebrow a bit higher, replies, "Understood, Captain," and returns to his seat. Something is very wrong with the captain. His behavior is suddenly unusual and uncharacteristic. Kirk is never rude to his crew and officers, always treating everyone from his second in command (Spock) to the lowest yeoman with the utmost respect. He has never been one to hand down unflinching orders. Spock hazards a glance to Chekov and Sulu. Neither one speaks, which is highly unusual for them. The helmsmen typically spend their shift on the bridge whispering to each other and making light conversation with the other crewmembers. Kirk encourages it more often than not, generally joining in himself to keep up with his crew's lives.

Today, however, he sharply reprimanded Chekov for asking Lt. Douglass about her brother, who is currently living on the Mare Imbrium colony where he grew up. Kirk rounded on him, ordering to keep his mouth shut unless he was spoken to or for official business. Chekov had looked ready to burst into tears. Sulu still looks angry.

The bridge remains shrouded in tense silence for entirety of the eight hour shift, and Spock finds he is not amenable to it one bit. It bothers him on a psychic level, fills his mind with anger and frustration, makes him feel frustrated, too. Perhaps he will speak with Kirk after the shift… or maybe Dr. McCoy. McCoy is more acquainted with fluctuating human moods than Spock. He may be better able to interpret the sudden black mood that has Kirk in its grip. He isn't sure he can handle another day of such behavior and animosity on the bridge.

When Spock arrives in the main medical bay, he finds Kirk has beaten him there, and he and Dr. McCoy are arguing.

"Look, Jim, I checked this Coleman fella out," McCoy is saying, "I don't like it. You know he was a medical officer in Starfleet some years ago? They gave him the boot, Jim! They discharged him for incompetence, and you wanna put him in charge of a patient in my med bay? I won't allow-"

"I don't really care what want to _allow_ , McCoy," Kirk hisses, "This is _my_ ship, not yours, and you'll do as I say. I will not have this insubordination, do you hear me?"

McCoy's face is hurt and angry as he replies quietly, "Yeah… yeah I hear ya."

"Good. Dr. Coleman is in charge of Miss Lester's care. That's final."

Spock briefly makes himself scarce to observe Kirk as he passes by. An evil smirk twists his lips, one he has never seen on Kirk's face before. Even as he just brushes by Spock, he feels _wrong_. That bothers Spock more than anything else. He approaches McCoy briskly upon Kirk's exit.

"Didja hear that, Spock?" McCoy declares, "I mean, didja ever hear such a thing? Since when does the Chief Medical Officer's opinion mean so little to his captain?"

"I heard the captain give you an order which you were expressly against," Spock tells him, "His behavior has become most unusual in the past twenty-four hour period. I was hoping you would be able to provide some insight into his conduct, but it appears that you have no more information than I at present."

McCoy has surely heard him but continues to grumble to himself about being told how to run his medical bay. After a moment, he shouts for a nurse, Houlihan, and orders her, "You and the other head nurses will watch Lester and Coleman like _hawks_ , got it? There's somethin' real fishy goin' on here, and I don't like it. Report to me directly on anything that's even remotely suspicious."

She nods and hurries off. McCoy turns back to Spock, saying, "I know there's somethin' wrong with Jim. I can feel it in my bones, Spock, and I don't like it. No, I don't like it one bit."

"For once, doctor, we are in total agreement."

"I don't like that even more."

xXxXx

Kirk feels as though there is a fog in his head. His limbs feel heavy and alien. His mouth is dry, his tongue thick. His eyelids refuse his command to open. Somehow, it doesn't bother him.

He dreams of pleasant things in the fog, things that make him happy. He dreams of Christopher Pike smiling at him from his wheelchair in front of hundreds of people as he gives him command of the Enterprise. He dreams of the father he never knew grinning at him proudly, seeing him become captain of this fine ship. He dreams of McCoy guffawing at a stupid joke he'd made when they were out one night. He dreams of his crew safe and happy and healthy, of Sulu and Chekov and Scotty and Uhura and Carol and Chapel… and Spock.

Oh, in his dreams, Spock offers him barely there smiles and quirks of his eyebrow. He rests his hand on Kirk's shoulder and leaves it there for a time. He brushes his fingers over Kirk's hand. They play chess, explore new worlds, watch the stars fly by their ship. Kirk loves every moment spent with the person who has become his closest friend. The dream shifts. Spock is now an old man, his face wrinkled and his hands gnarled, and _god_ he's so sad. It's all he can feel and it chokes him and smothers him until he wakes and cries out for Bones and for Spock because they're the only ones who can make this better.

The voice he calls out with sounds shrill and unfamiliar. His body feels _wrong_ but he can't tell why because the fog is still so heavy over his mind. He cries out until the strange voice cracks from misuse. Dr. Coleman appears in his fuzzy vision.

"No!" Kirk chokes, "No! Bones! I want Bones!"

Coleman leans in close, whispering, "You're insane, Miss Lester."

There is a soft hiss, and something warm rushes into Kirk's bloodstream, returning him to his happy dreams. Spock is young and whole and not at all sad…

xXxXx

McCoy sends in a nurse shift after shift to spy on Lester and Coleman, and he only sends those he's sure are trustworthy. They report during and after each shift for a day and a half on Lester's condition and Coleman's behavior.

"Every time she wakes up, even a little," Nurse Baker tells him, "Coleman just administers a sedative. He says she's paranoid, delusional, and dangerous, but…"

"But what, Baker?"

"Well, the last time she woke up, she asked for you."

"It doesn't surprise me. She may have overheard me talking to Coleman when we were down at the outpost."

"Doctor, she didn't just ask for you… she asked for 'Bones'."

McCoy's stomach twists into an uncomfortable knot. He asks quietly, "You're sure?"

"Yessir, I'm sure. I heard it myself. Coleman just gave her another sedative."

His mind sets to whirling. The only person who calls him 'Bones' is Kirk. Lately, Kirk has only been calling him 'McCoy', which doesn't quite sit right. This young woman he hasn't seen in over six years and barely knew even then is calling him by a nickname only one person has ever used. Something is very, very wrong here, and McCoy wishes he knew what it was.

"Alright, Nurse Kellye is on next, I believe. Tell her to send Coleman to me for a check-up. I'm sure he's tired from keeping vigil over Miss Lester. While I have Coleman, I want Kellye to wait for Lester to wake up. I'll deal with Coleman. Understood?"

"Yessir."

Thirty minutes later, Coleman stomps into McCoy's office, looking disgruntled and maybe even a bit frightened.

"What is the meaning of this, McCoy?"

"Why, you've been so worried over Miss Lester this last day, and I'm just mighty worried about your health," McCoy drawls calmly, using a honeyed tone to reassure Coleman, "I just wanna give you a nice check-up. I realized I never gave you one when you first boarded, so I wanna make sure you're good and healthy. Won't take long at all."

After a couple of hours, Coleman is decidedly annoyed, but Kellye has plenty of information.

"It was very strange, doctor," she tells him quietly, "Miss Lester persisted in asking for you as 'Bones,' and when I asked her if she meant McCoy, she said, 'Of course I mean McCoy. Who else on this ship is called 'Bones'?' She was very upset, sir, quite hysterical."

"What else did she say? Anything?"

"Well… she… I asked her what her name was, and… well… she told me her name was James Tiberius Kirk," Kellye explains.

McCoy feels his eyebrow shoot up his forehead: "She said _what_?"

"She told me her name was James Tiberius Kirk. I asked her if she was sure, and she got very upset, started yelling and demanding to see you. I had to sedate her for her own safety, sir."

"No, you did the right thing, Kellye. Thank you. I owe you one."

She nods and goes back to Lester's room under the pretense of checking the diagnostics, but McCoy has more to worry about. Again, Lester called him by Kirk's nickname for him, and now she was saying that she _is_ Jim Kirk. People don't just claim to be other people for no reason. They always had a reason, mental or physical or personal. Always. It's up to McCoy to figure out Lester's reason.

xXxXx

Two full days have passed since they left Camus II, and the captain's behavior is increasingly troubling to everyone on the bridge, especially Spock. Kirk sits too tall and too proud in the captain's chair. Jim Kirk never sits in his chair like a throne but lounges in it, seeming relaxed but knowing everything his ship was doing while they cruised. The only time Kirk ever sits straight-backed in the chair is when he needs to command respect from someone who has not already given it to him and from whom he deserves it. This Kirk is using the chair like a throne, treats the ship as a kingdom and the crew as subjects to whom he hands down unyielding laws. Such behavior is troubling.

Kirk has also leveled several insults at Spock based on his heritage and seems to have forgotten his first officer's hybrid condition altogether. For Kirk not only to forget his first officer's heritage but insult it is unthinkable.

Spock brings his concerns to McCoy once more, convinced there is something medically wrong with Kirk. Once he explains the captain's behavior, McCoy is inclined to agree.

"There's something weird goin' on with Lester, too," McCoy explains in a low voice, "Nurse Kellye told me that when she wakes up from the sedative coma Coleman keeps her in, she always asks to see me."

"You are the Chief Medical Officer. It is only logical."

"No, Spock. She asks for 'Bones'."

Spock lifts an eyebrow.

"That is the name she uses to refer to you, doctor?" he asks.

"Yep. I mean, I knew her for a bit at the Academy before her discharge. Not well, but I knew her, but no one but Jim Kirk has ever called me by that name. Hell, Jim's the one came up with it. Even crazier, she says she is Jim. She could be lyin', of course, but-"

"Of course she is lying," Spock butts in, "There is no scientific or logical way she could be James Kirk. It is impossible to transfer the mind or soul between bodies. The technology does not exist, doctor."

"But what if it _did_?" McCoy whispers excitedly, "They were working on a now extinct, very advanced civilization down there. What if those beings had that technology and they found it? I mean, I don't how they would figure out what it did or how to use it, but _what if they did_?"

McCoy's expression is at once amazed, confused, and frightened. The doctor wets his lips and struggles for words while Spock digs into his own thoughts. While McCoy's theory makes the most sense to explain the captain's odd behavior, it simply cannot be the truth. It is a fantastic solution to what is an infinitely simpler problem. He speaks up during McCoy's silence, "A total switch of mind and body cannot be, doctor. I am of the opinion that there may have instead been some form of mind control instated on the planet, perhaps by Dr. Coleman-"

"That's not it," McCoy dismisses quickly, "Coleman obviously won't tell us even if he did have something to do with it, but I don't think he did, not willingly anyway. And we can't ask Jim or Lester, their answers are gonna be skewed."

McCoy lapses once more into silent thought, and Spock does some thinking of his own. There is only one way to test McCoy's theory, and he doubts very much McCoy will like it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Spirk starts here... very subtly, but it does start.

Whoever is in Janice Lester's body, be it Lester or Jim Kirk, is sleeping fitfully. She moans and tosses and turns, twisting herself in the sheets to the point where Spock has had to free her more than once even in the few hours she's been there. Dr. McCoy went back to the medical bay after they moved her so he could keep Coleman sedated and keep the stranger in Kirk's skin off their tail. The safest place they could think of to hide her for the time being was Spock's personal quarters. He takes his newfound leisure time (Kirk banned him from the bridge) to observe his odd guest.

He recalls Janice Lester from the Academy, where she had been a student of his for a semester. She had been bright and cheerful, and he believed her to be a more than excellent addition to the Command program. Spock had had no doubts in her ability to command a ship and was confident she would quickly achieve a captaincy one day. Her sudden disappearance, therefore, had been shocking to everyone. There was no way such a dedicated cadet had gone AWOL. Her parents had insisted she'd been kidnapped, and Spock had been inclined to agree.

Janice Lester had been missing for the entire summer of 2257 (Spock had presumed her dead) when, just as suddenly as she disappeared, she reappeared, though greatly changed. After several rounds of psychiatric and psychological evaluations, she was deemed unfit for continued service at the Academy, and Starfleet obtained a position for her at Johns Hopkins University to study any subjects of her choice. No one at the Academy had heard from her since.

Spock notes that she is not greatly changed physically from her time at the Academy. She has become tanned from working outdoors for several years now, but her hair remains the same dark brown it always was, though its length is difficult to determine from its matted, tangled state. Perhaps when she woke one of the nurses be kind enough to comb it for her. Lester does appear thin and frail, as such a severe sickness is wont to do to most beings.

A low, pained moan escapes the woman's lips, drawing Spock out of his reverie. Lester seems to suffer a great many nightmares; Spock does not begin to presume what such nightmares are of. He reaches to offer the human comfort in a way she will respond to when she gasps out his name, harsh and upset. Spock's hand freezes in midair. It happens again, this time accompanied by a moan of grief. Her eyes move rapidly beneath her lids, her brow knitting into a pained expression. He wonders why his name should pass her lips in her nightmares. Spock quickly but carefully sets his mental walls in place and rests his hand on her thin arm.

Lester's face relaxes at once into calm repose. Spock pulls his hand away, his work done. Her eyes open slowly, bright but unfocused. She lifts her arm, clumsily seeking his hand, and the tips of their first two fingers brush together. Spock jerks his hand away as if he'd been burned, mentally chiding himself for such a reaction. She is delirious. She does not know the meaning of that action. The hurt shows in her eyes as she murmurs his name and slips back into unconsciousness. The tips of Spock's fingers still feel warm.

xXxXx

Kirk has been having longer moments of lucidity, and he likes it that way. He remembers waking, the world swimming by in a blur before dropping off once more into that damnable fog in his brain and the terrible dreams. The nightmares make him relive the horrible low points of his life: Frank's abuse, Tarsus IV, the death of Vulcan, Pike dying… his own death. He sees images from his meld so long ago with the Other Spock on Delta Vega. He wishes he wouldn't. That Other Spock was sad, so very sad. Kirk comes to at one point to see Spock's face swimming before him. Kirk reaches out, wanting to touch him, to reassure himself that Spock was truly there. He doesn't know why Spock jerks his hand away. It hurts.

When he wakes this time, he feels almost immediately that it is different. His eyes start to focus right away, and he feels a headache creeping up the base of his skull. He blinks up at the ceiling, tries to orient himself. It doesn't take him long to figure out that he's not in Medical anymore. He closes his eyes again, trying to quietly assess himself for injuries. Nothing really hurts, but his body feels wrong somehow, feels foreign and perhaps too small. Kirk tries to lift an arm, but it's dead weight.

He takes a deep breath, preparing to figure out what's wrong and feeling his chest rise and fall. His chest feels off-kilter, like the weight has been redistributed but he can't be sure. He wiggles his fingers, which feel too thin and more rough than usual. Kirk shifts his legs, adjusting his body, and that is when he feels that something is very wrong, that he is… lacking something between his legs. That's a big problem. He hopes nothing truly bad happened. He genuinely likes the pieces that are missing.

_Come on, Jim, think! Use your brain! Find the answer. There must be an answer…_

He opens his eyes once more to look around. His vision has cleared even more, and Kirk is confused. These are private quarters, but these are very specific quarters. They belong to someone very important. He tries to push himself up and finds himself quickly pushed back down.

"You should not exert yourself," Spock says calmly, "You have been through quite an ordeal."

Kirk feels a grin split his face. This may be the happiest he's ever been to see Spock in his whole life, though he may be able to find another occasion with enough thought.

"Holy-… oh, Spock, am I glad to see you! Where were you? Have you been here the whole time?"

The voice coming from him sounds light and feminine. Kirk wets the unfamiliar lips.

"Spock… tell me… who am I? Who do you see, I mean?"

He waits for an answer.

"I see… I see Janice Lester."

Kirk's stomach bottoms out.

"But… but that can't be, Spock. I-I mean, I'm Jim. I'm Jim Kirk."

"You asked who I see," Spock tells him calmly, "and I see Janice Lester."

Fear and anxiety rise up in Kirk's heart. Janice Lester? He scrambles into a sitting position, ignoring the sudden dizziness that strikes him, to look down at his body.

Only, it's not _his_ body. The body he's now wearing is completely foreign to him. The limbs are lithe and petite and make him feel fragile. The world around him looks bigger, and Spock seems to tower over him. The addition of breasts and his lack of a penis are especially startling. He examines the thin, trembling hands, rough from hard work, runs them over the face, hair, torso. Nothing is right. Kirk wants to scream.

"This… this isn't right!" Kirk gasps, "I… I mean… Spock! It's me! This isn't… Spock, you have to believe me, please!"

"I am afraid I cannot take you at your word. There is a distinct possibility you are either delusional or simply lying. To take such an argument as truth without other observation and fact-gathering would be illogical," he states.

Kirk stares at him, shaking from the effort of staying upright and telling himself, _Think like Spock. Why did he bring me here if he thinks I'm Lester? Think!_

"Why did you bring me here, Spock?"

"Pardon?"

"You heard me. Why am I _here_? You could've taken me anywhere on the ship. Why here?"

Once Kirk had fully sat up, he knew exactly where he was on his ship.

"These are your private quarters, Spock," Kirk continues, "yet you brought me here instead of guest quarters, which would have been protocol. You have a reason for doing this. You never act without a reason."

The edges of Kirk's vision are starting to blur, and he knows he'll be out cold again soon.

"The captain's behavior has become increasingly odd, alarmingly so. His actions and words are strange to those of us who know him well, and we are… worried for the crew. The sudden change in his behavior occurred after our return from Camus II and your rescue. Dr. Coleman's actions are also troubling."

"So… you think… you think I can tell you… what's wrong with… with the captain?" Kirk gasps.

"That is our hope, Miss Lester," Spock replies.

There is a loud ringing in Kirk's ears. The blurring at the edge of his vision creeps in and takes over completely, throwing him back into darkness.

xXxXx

"I think she may be tellin' the truth, Spock!" McCoy hisses, "I think she really is Jim!"

"Then your use of the feminine pronoun is incorrect, doctor," Spock replies, "I, however, am still skeptical. This could all be simply a well-crafted lie combined with some sort of mind-control. If I were to suddenly declare that I was Sherlock Holmes, it would not make such a claim truth."

"Well, Christ, there's gotta be some way to figure out the truth."

"There is the option I made allusion to earlier in the day."

"And I don't suppose you'd care to further elaborate on it? A little more than maybe just a mention of a solution?"

Damn Vulcans and their damn dramatics. He's never straightforward when he needs to be, always couching everything in veiled logic. McCoy thinks he probably enjoys confusing the humans.

"Vulcans do have a way of connecting to another's mind, as you may know, doctor, a way to examine another's thoughts and memories. Such parts of a person cannot be lied about or altered."

"My God, man, you wanna go muckin' around in his head?"

"It is not 'mucking around'. The mind meld is extremely controlled and safe when performed by someone well-versed in the proper technique."

"And where do we find someone like that?" McCoy asks, already thinking he knows the answer.

McCoy prides himself on being able to read Spock's not-quite expressions, and the one he is offering now is the one McCoy privately calls 'smug bastard'. It's his least favorite. The doctor grumbles to himself before asking, "How's the patient?"

"Miss Lester appears to have exhausted herself after a rather long period of wakefulness. She was most distressed upon waking, and she was adamant that she was indeed the captain. As I stated previously, a mind meld will enable a quick determination of the truth."

McCoy does not like that one bit. He waves his hand toward the young woman, saying, "Well, there she is, Mr. Spock. Why don't you get to it if you're so eager?"

"I will not perform a meld without her consent," Spock tells him firmly.

McCoy looks up at him. As much as he complains about Spock, the man is an incomparable Starfleet officer and, dare he say it, human being… half of one anyway. Spock is right, as usual. McCoy had been on the wrong end of a forced mind meld once in a parallel universe where everything was so very wrong. A mirror version of Spock forced it on him to determine their purpose, and McCoy had not liked it one bit. He feels ashamed for even thinking of doing such a thing to Lester. Now, he knows that Spock is a good man and that he won't hurt Miss Lester (or Kirk, if this person is telling the truth) with this meld, but the thought of the wrongs done to him set his hairs on end. He tries to shake it off. He's seen Spock perform melds before. He knows that Spock knows what he's doing. He heaves a sigh.

"Alright, well… you just get some rest, okay?" McCoy says, "You've been up with Lester since we brought her here in the middle of the night and it's after dinnertime now. You'll be of no use if you're all worn out. Ya gotta meditate right?"

"It is especially useful leading up to a deeper mind meld," Spock answers.

"Good, then meditate. I'll look after… whoever the hell this is…"

Spock offers him a nod and prepares for meditation, while McCoy sits down beside the young woman, waiting for her (or him, as it were) to wake again. He wants very much to believe that this is his friend Jim, that this person is not lying, but Spock's very logical argument cannot be ignored. This whole thing could be part of some elaborate scheme to cover up some sort of mind control and discredit Kirk.

McCoy huffs and settles in his chair for a long afternoon. He looks over to Spock and feels a strange surge of affection for him. Vulcans do not meditate easily. They need a quiet, calm, safe place to settle in for their intensive meditation. This is how they rested their bodies and settled their impressive minds. For Spock to feel comfortable enough with McCoy to meditate in front of him while there is a stranger in the room says a great deal. It makes a soft warm glow fill McCoy's belly while he watches over the two of them.

xXxXx

"Bones? That you?" Kirk murmurs, blinking up at the doctor.

"It is. How are you feeling?" McCoy replies, grabbing his medscanner.

Kirk tries to push himself up, but McCoy gently pushes him back down onto the bed. He placidly allows McCoy to examine the foreign body with the scanner, hoping that somehow the scanner will be able to tell he's in there. He doesn't have the strength to fight back anyway, not with the headache pounding in his skull and the weariness in his limbs. It rankles him. McCoy gives him a few hyposprays, and Kirk's vision instantly clears up, the fog rushing out of his head.

"Feel better?" McCoy asks.

"Much," Kirk replies, sitting up, "You sure do work magic, Bones."

He looks to McCoy with a grin that soon fades. He was so sure…

"You don't believe me, either. You don't believe I'm Jim. I… it's me, Bones."

McCoy sighs and scrubs his face with a hand, saying, "It's not that simple. I wanna believe you're Jim, I really do, but… but there are too many variables. I can't be sure you're telling the truth."

"I can."

Kirk turns to see Spock standing behind McCoy, hands clasped behind his back.

"You can what?" Kirk asks.

"I can determine if you are telling the truth."

"How?"

"Your memories and experiences are your own. They can be manipulated on a surface level, but deep in your mind, they remain unaffected. James T. Kirk is in possession of certain memories that cannot be replicated because they are unknown to the world at large. By looking into your mind, I can tell if you are telling the truth."

Kirk thinks he knows what Spock is talking about, but damn it all if he isn't always vague when he needs to be clear. He watches Spock approach and sits up a little straighter, asking, "What are you asking?"

Spock levels his request, "I am asking for your consent to perform a mind meld with you."

Kirk is thrown back to his first trip on the Enterprise, to a frozen, snow-covered planet called Delta Vega, to being rescued by an old Vulcan who happened to be another version of Spock, to seeing vivid images of another time and place and life in his head.

"Do it."

"Then you consent?"

"Yes."

"You truly consent?"

"Yes, Spock! I consent to the meld! Just do it!" Kirk half-shouts, exasperated.

"Dr. McCoy, please note that the patient offered consent three times," Spock says, "If you try to deny that you offered such consent, I will use this record as proof. Do you understand?"

"Yes, I understand."

"Then we shall begin."

xXxXx

Spock observes Miss Lester as he approaches and sits by her on the bed. He notes the pale green eyes and the spark of fierce stubbornness they contain… so much like Kirk's…

"Physical contact is required. I need to perform some simple manipulations of nerves and blood flow in order to facilitate the linking of our minds. If you choose to renege your consent, I will not fault you."

She does not speak, only adjusts her body, sitting cross-legged on the bed to better face him. Spock quickly flexes his fingers, then reaches for Lester's face. Her expression changes imperceptibly. Her pupils expand, dilating and flushing out some of the pale green. Spock registers a change in her breathing pattern. He feels a strange sense of betrayal, though he is not sure why.

"You are frightened," Spock says, hand still hovering by her face.

"Yes, I am."

"You do not wish to continue."

"No… no, I wanna go through with this."

"Then explain your fear. I do not understand it. Is it due to a lack of trust in me?"

"No, Spock, I trust you more than anyone else in the entire universe. No, I'm afraid for _you_."

Spock takes a moment to process that, then, "Explain."

She does not avert her eyes, though the fear is still there. She explains softly, "I… I'm really messed up and broken, Spock. I'm afraid of what you'll see and feel… mostly what you'll feel."

Spock is almost unsure of what to say but manages to tell her, "I will take that into consideration."

He presses his fingers to the preferred pressure points, quietly ordering Lester, "You must relax your mind. Purge your conscious mind of all thought or emotion. My mind to your mind, your thoughts to my thoughts…"

Lester's eyes had long fallen shut by the time he closes his own.

Spock wanders through a fog before coming upon the wall of the Other's mind. The wall is immense and almost Vulcan in its construction. It is meant to keep everyone out, and it is not something Spock anticipated. He seeks a way around it but finds none, and as a last resort he finally asks the Other for a way through. He senses a familiar warmth on the other side, and he is suddenly desperate to find its source. The Other falters slightly but quickly agrees and sets a door in the wall. It is huge and heavy and made of wood and metal, yet Spock finds it opens at the barest touch of his mind.

Inside the wall is a sensory overload. He feels happy, sad, angry, frightened, loving, loved, kind, hateful, confident, shy, proud, embarrassed, ashamed, everything. The emotions crash over him as a wave, a tsunami. He struggles to find his way to the surface, to find the warmth he had felt from outside the wall. He reaches their summit only to find himself assaulted by memories, the images more vivid than anything he had known.

He drives an antique car off a cliff. His step-father bellows curses at him and abuses him. He is hiding in the woods, and he is hungry, so very hungry. He sees a pile of rotting, naked bodies, bloated from the sun. Pike comes to him after a bar fight and recruits him to Starfleet. McCoy smuggles him onto the Enterprise. Spock looks into his own eyes during a vicious beating and later looks to them for reassurance. Fear grips him as watches himself lowered into a volcano. Grief rips him apart as he looks into Pike's dead eyes. After the grief comes rage, such rage it consumes him. He beats Khan as hard as he can but Khan does not fall. He knocks out Scotty and climbs into the warp core, determined to save the Enterprise. The pain is incredible, unbearable, but he must press on. His strength is waning. He uses his last ounce of strength to kick the core back into alignment. He sees himself on the other side of thick glass, sad and scared and angry, a tear rolling down his face. A strange calm falls over him as his eyes are covered by darkness.

Joy fills him as looks up at himself from a hospital bed. Everything fades into a white fog, and Kirk emerges, bright and golden as always. He approaches Spock with a grin, his bright blue eyes cheerful and sad all at once. He reaches out and grips Spock tight by the upper arms, and Spock feels a deep rush of affection for his Other. Kirk pulls him out of the tide of emotion and memory and into an embrace.

 _I knew you'd find me_ , Kirk thinks at him, _I knew you'd come to me here, and I'm so glad you did… but I am so, so sorry you had see all of that, Spock._

Spock allows Kirk's voice to wash over him, only slightly distorted in his head and so soothing after the turmoil of the memories.

 _Of course I came to find you, Jim. I am sorry it took so long. You were hidden from me and I could not see you_ , Spock offers to him, feeling safe in the quiet connection of their minds, _I am ashamed to say I doubted you,_ ne ki'ne.

 _What's that mean?_ Ne ki'ne?

_I haven named you shield-partner, my closest friend and companion, a great and trusted warrior._

Waves of emotion lap at their ankles.

_Does the term displease you, Jim?_

_No… no, I like it. I like it very much. It's just… well… I'm not supposed to say_.

 _You may tell me anything. You know I will always endeavor to keep your secrets_.

Kirk leads him into another memory, one he kept hidden before, and Spock looks into his own ancient eyes in a freezing cave.

 _Oh,_ ne ki'ne, _I already know of my counterpart. He sought me out, and I have spoken with him._

_I was trying to be careful. He told me I could never tell you about him, that sneaky bastard._

_Did he meld with you?_ Spock queries.

_How did you guess?_

_I never guess._

_Oh, that's bullshit, and you know it_ , Kirk jibes.

_I usually never guess. In this case, I have known for some time. You were very quick to agree to a mind meld with me the first time we did so. Most humans are loathe to allow any intrusion into their mind, but you were almost eager for the connection. It was no great leap of logic. Please, I should very much like to see what he showed you… if it please you, Jim…_

_I can't,_ Kirk quickly replies, sending emotions seething around their knees, _It was too much. It was all that guilt at not being able to save Romulus and Vulcan, and he was just so sad. So sad… everyone he knew and loved in his time is gone, either lost to that world or long dead. I've been dead to him for years. Did you know that?_

_He did not tell me expressly… though I found that to be a logical conclusion._

_Well, I'm dead. Scotty and Uhura are dead. So are Sulu and Chekov and McCoy… He's the last one left of all his closest friends, and now he's where no one knows him or what he's done or been through… God, he's so lonely, Spock, so lonely it hurt more than anything…_

The emotions churn about their waists, and Spock sends him soothing thoughts until they come under control and once again merely lap at their ankles.

 _He was so pleased to see me,_ Kirk tells him sadly, _so pleased. I was like the Jim he had known when they were young like us, and he… he showed me so many things from that other life… about him and his Jim…_

Spock wraps Kirk comfortingly in his mind, providing warm thoughts to keep him calm, though some level of agitation remains. He allows Kirk some time to collect his thoughts before gently requesting, _Show me, Jim_ …

Feelings roil up instead, bubbling over their heads in an instant. As much as Spock wants to calm his friend, he realizes he must experience these feelings in order to receive the desired information. Emotions churn and boil around them like a raging sea in a brutal storm. These are the emotions of Spock's counterpart, the ones he allowed Kirk to feel in their mind meld, and there are many: friendship, trust, anger, grief, sadness, fear, frustration, confusion. They mix together, as if they are all just parts of some larger whole Spock could not yet discern. The realization hits him hard.

Love. It is love that surrounds them, settles them in a glow despite the flood around them. This is a remnant of another life, one that can never be his fully. These are the feelings his counterpart felt for his Kirk, the memories of that Kirk's feelings for him. There is another jolt as Spock understands just what that means. The emotions grow stronger, push them closer together in the meld, and the memories get deeper and more potent. A chorus of sounds rises up from the memories, Vulcan and Standard comingling in perfect harmony. Some time seems to pass before Spock can discern some of the Vulcan words leaping out at him.

_Besu. Ne ki'ne. T'hy'la. Ashayam. K'diwa. K'hat'n'dlawa._

The use of such words of endearment to refer to their relationship in another life startles Spock to the point where he inadvertently throws up a thick wall in his mind. He feels Kirk cry out, scrabbling against the new wall between them as he ends the meld.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some bad language in here. Mostly rhyming with Spit and Firetruck. You have been warned.

McCoy lunges forward as Spock and Lester come out of the meld. They are both breathing heavily, their eyes wet.

"Spock, you alright?" he asks, reaching out for the other man, "Talk to me, Spock…"

The hybrid doesn't move, still staring at the young woman. McCoy turns to her instead, asking, "How are you feeling, Miss Lester? Are you-?"

"That is not Miss Lester," Spock states suddenly, still not moving, "That is James T. Kirk."

"You're sure, Spock?"

"I have never been more certain of anything, doctor."

"Spock…" Lester… Kirk says, the voice full of emotion, "Spock, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry you had to see all of that, to feel all that… I warned you. I'm so sorry-"

"Do not be sorry," Spock replies gently (for Spock), "I was aware of the potential for such emotional transference."

McCoy looks between the two of them. Their eyes are still locked, still wet, and he notices they are breathing in tandem. He feels very alone and excluded in their company, as though he just witnessed something very private but wasn't quite sure if he had. Kirk and Spock had grown quite close over the course of this five-year exploratory mission (which was due to end in a year) thanks to many close calls on alien planets where they only had each other and their own wits to stay alive. While McCoy is considered a third member of a close-knit triumvirate, Kirk and Spock are closer to each other than McCoy is to either of them. That's not to say he's bitter about it. Kirk and Spock temper each other, balance each other out as heart and mind, and when they can't agree on a course of action, McCoy steps in to add some soul to the argument.

Now, even trapped in another's body, Kirk is deeply connected to Spock in a way that McCoy cannot even begin to understand. He ignores the pang of jealousy in his chest and moves forward. He's heard of complications stemming from mind melds, and while he's sure Spock did everything to the letter, he wants to be sure they're fine. He goes to Spock first, clearly affected by a number of emotions. He murmurs softly, "Spock… Spock, can you hear me?" and waits for an answer. When he receives none, he reaches out and lays a hand on Spock's shoulder. He can feel the emotions churning even from this simple touch, and it makes him wonder what exactly Spock saw in Kirk's head. A few more moments pass. McCoy then, carefully and gently, grasps Spock's jaw and slowly turns his head away from Kirk.

Both of the others release a long breath as their eye contact breaks, and the spell is gone. Spock's eyes are still damp, but McCoy's tricorder finds nothing out of the ordinary. He moves on to Kirk, who is more visibly shaken than Spock. He trembles and shakes, but once again the scanner finds nothing irregular. It's strange for McCoy to know that inside the body of this young woman is his best friend Jim Kirk. Of course, that opens up a whole new set of questions…

"So... you're walkin' around as Janice Lester," McCoy says once everyone is calmed down, "and she's out there wearin' a Jim Kirk suit? How the hell does that happen?"

Kirk shrugs the slim shoulders, replying, "I don't really know. I think… she said something about the ancient civilization that abandoned Camus II... and there was a weird machine. I guess the scientists found it and fixed it up and found out what it did. She probably tested it on those crewmen that died. In fact, I'm willing to bet that she's the reason they're dead, that she killed 'em to hide the information."

"That is the most logical conclusion. We were, after all, unable to complete full tests on them as Coleman cremated them."

"Or Janice did and Coleman's playing along," Kirk added.

"Well, I think we've got a bigger problem on hand just now," McCoy tells them.

"What's that, Bones?"

"How in the hell do we convince everyone on this ship that you're really Jim? I mean, she probably has a plan for that scenario, so she can keep power."

"Maybe she doesn't. She may not have had time to come up with a plan," Kirk says, "Could be that she only just found us crossing the planet's path and decided to see who she could switch places with. Having the Enterprise and me was just an added bonus. I mean, let's be real, the Enterprise is the most famous ship in the Federation-"

"And plenty of people have heard of you," McCoy interrupts.

"Could it be that you were the intended target, captain?" Spock queries, "Would you know of any reason for Miss Lester to hold a grudge against you?"

Kirk shakes his head, the dark locks swinging back and forth. McCoy takes the moment to observe Kirk as he argues lightly with Spock, and he wonders how he could have ever doubted this was Kirk. All the same mannerisms are present: the intense stare, the nervous lip licking, the slight cocking of the head. He even retained that Iowa accent, the same speech patterns McCoy is so familiar with. He supposes that's why Lester ordered Coleman to keep Kirk sedated.

"Shit, we forgot somethin', y'all."

"What?" the other two ask.

"Coleman and Lester."

" _What_?"

"Lester ordered Coleman to keep you sedated, Jim, even took you out of my care and put Coleman in charge of you to keep us all from figurin' this out. It's only a matter of time before she figures out you're not there and Coleman's out cold and-"

"McCoy to medical," Uhura's voice rings out over the shipwide, "I repeat, Dr. McCoy, please report to the main medical bay."

McCoy looks to the intercom, then to Spock and Kirk.

"It would appear that your hypothesis is correct, doctor. I'm sure that is… the captain."

McCoy gets to his feet and quickly makes himself respectable. At the door, he turns to his friends, saying, "Don't worry. I'll keep her at bay. Be back soon."

xXxXx

Kirk watches McCoy leave with some trepidation. He knows McCoy won't betray him on purpose, but when he gets emotional… Kirk tries to find something to talk about.

"Spock, how come you've been here for so long? Shouldn't you be on the bridge?"

"I was… ordered off the bridge for insubordination and expressly ordered not to return," he replies.

"What! Insubordinate?" Kirk explains, "You've never been insubordinate!"

"I would not say that statement is entirely true. As to the charges from Lester, I questioned her judgment on straying from our approved course to Beta Aurigae. She took special offense to being so challenged and banished me from the bridge."

That rankles Kirk a bit. He asks, "What else did she do?"

"She demands silence on the bridge unless it is directly related to ship's business. Her favorite target for rebuke seems to be Mr. Chekov."

Nope. Now, Kirk is pissed. He jumps to his feet, half-shouting, "She yelled at Chekov?"

Spock nods. Kirk continues, "Oh _hell_ no. She _does not_ get to yell at my crew, and she certainly does not get to yell at Chekov! I don't even yell at Chekov! He doesn't deserve to be yelled at! He's a good kid and a great navigator! That's bullshit!"

"You are very protective of the ensign."

"He's a good crewman. Poor kid's seen a lot. He doesn't need people yelling at him, especially when he hasn't done anything wrong. Kid doesn't need to be yelled at by people he looks up to and respects."

Kirk paces for a bit. He's had to discipline Chekov, yes. He's given the kid a firm talking to. He's never yelled. He always tried to avoid yelling because he never liked being yelled at by authority figures himself. He tries to treat his crew as he wants to be treated. Golden rule and all that…

"I don't think it'll be too hard to convince the crew of who I am. You know I don't lord over you guys," Kirk says.

"Captain, I feel I must offer my apologies to you for not believing you more quickly. I should have known that you would never mistreat your crew in such a way, even if mind control were a factor."

Kirk shakes his head, telling him, "Don't, Spock. There's no way you could've known I was telling the truth without that mind meld. Janice Lester was crazy and sick, so it only makes sense for you to think I was lying or delusional. I mean, sure, I'm a little hurt, but I'm also proud that you didn't give in right away."

He looks away from Spock, hoping this body doesn't blush too easily. The mind meld had brought up his memories of the meld with Other Spock that he'd intentionally buried. The deep feelings of love and loss had been poured into him with the heavy pain of losing a planet. He'd wanted to hide that from Spock, but he asked to see them… and he'd asked so nicely. When Kirk showed Spock the simple memories, however, more complicated ones bled through, the memories of a life they would never lead. Part of the reason he sacrificed himself in the warp core so long ago was because he'd seen Other Spock do the same thing, felt how bad it hurt the other Kirk. The visions flood back. He sees and older version of himself on the other side of thick glass. He remembers the pain of dying and the pain of seeing the person he cared for the most so close and yet so far from him. They were inches away from each other and unable to touch. It was worse than the pain of dying. Kirk finds he cannot suppress the shiver than runs up his spine.

"Are you well, captain?" Spock asks, "Would you like me to raise the temperature?"

"No… no, I'm not cold. I'm just… I'm remembering."

Spock gets to his feet and approaches Kirk slowly, asking, "What are you remembering?"

Kirk simply replies, "Everything," still not looking at Spock. The sudden height difference is still bothersome.

"Please be more specific, Jim," Spock requests quietly, using Kirk's first name, "If I have brought forth any buried memories that are harmful, you only need tell me, and I will initiate another meld to remedy the situation."

"It's not that. I live with those memories every day."

He finally turns to look at Spock; he does not enjoy having to crane his neck to do so. He should not have shown Spock the emotional memories. It feels like he spilt someone else's deep, dark secret to him, and he knows he won't be so lucky for Spock to just forget it all. He just can't lie to him, though. He tells him simply, "I… the Other Spock showed me a lot that I'd forgotten until now and… it's just overwhelming."

"Do you wish to forget?"

"No," Kirk says quietly, "I never want to forget any-"

It is then that the door whooshes open and McCoy bursts in.

"Shit! Shit!" he shouts, "That's it! We're fucked! We are capital-F _Fucked_!"

"Bones, what are talking about? Fucked how?"

"She knows, Jim! She knows you're not in the medbay, and she thinks I helped get you out!"

"You did help," Kirk deadpans.

"Oh, shut up, Jim, that ain't the point!" McCoy snaps back, "The point is that she doesn't know where you are, and it's gonna make her dangerous. We need to get the word out soon that she's not the captain, that you're the real you."

"Well, duh, you think I don't know that? Nobody wants her stopped more than me, but we need a plan!"

McCoy is clearly agitated, running his hand through his hair and mumbling in a thick Georgia accent. Kirk huffs, dragging the fingers through tangled locks. _I need a comb or something… That's what girls use right? Or do they use brushes? This is already a big pain in my ass…_

"What did you say to Miss Lester when confronted?" Spock asks McCoy.

"I told her I had no idea where Jim had gone or even that he had gone- course I didn't say I knew it was Jim- because she took him outta my care. Said Coleman was hysterical 'cause he fell asleep and 'Lester' escaped while he was passed out. Said he was so hyped up we had to sedate him for his own good. She asked about you, Spock, and I told her I had no idea either where you were or what you were doin'. I reckon she'll probably drop in on ya at some point."

"Both of you leave," Kirk pipes up before they can start arguing, "I'll come up with something and stay here for a bit. I just need a little time… and a shower… and a uniform, oh and for Chrissakes, I need some food, like, yesterday."

"You may make use of my shower while you are here," Spock tells him, "I will obtain a uniform-"

"No, ya won't. I'm already clear of some suspicion, and I've got nurses that won't be as closely watched as you or I would be. I'll get them to bring ya a uniform. Got any preference for color?"

"Well, I have been called Starfleet's golden boy," Kirk smirks.

McCoy chuckles a bit, adding, "I'll have the nurse bring ya somethin' to eat, too. May be able to better disguise the uniform that way. Spock, how 'bout you go do somethin' that ain't suspicious?"

They watch McCoy leave, and the weight of the memories drifts over Kirk like a dark cloud, seeming to hang between them until Kirk can't stand it anymore. He gets up, mutters, "I'm gonna take that shower. You go to the labs so Lester won't have any more to suspect you of. See ya later," and retreats to the head.

xXxXx

Spock sits alone in one of the labs, thinking on what he saw in Kirk's mind. The captain had been through much in his life, making his mind a tempestuous place with a curious beauty. Based on the memories of his (their?) counterpart, he should have much more to come. He is sure that Kirk had not meant to show him that much of what Other Spock had shown him, to show him all those strange emotions. Spock works hard on the project he'd begun not long ago, one that is rather simple and does not require much attention. He thinks on what he saw, what he heard.

The Vulcan words he'd heard in Kirk's mind were… sensitive. They words meant to imply a deep connection, deep friendship and trust, deeper love. The last words were reserved for one's bondmate, the one a Vulcan chose to spend their rest of their life connected to in a way no one else could understand. It was only logical to believe that Other Spock used the words toward Kirk, that he used such epithets for Another Kirk. Other Spock had suggested that their relationship would grow and bloom into something more, though Spock had presumed it would be a good friendship and working relationship. He could not have predicted _this_.

It would be a lie to say that Kirk did not arouse strong feelings and emotions in Spock, though these were most often anger, frustration, anxiety, and occasionally fear… though he had been very sad when he'd thought Kirk dead (more than once)… and he had felt great joy when Kirk was shown to be alive… of course there was also contentment when they spent time together. That was a good deal more than he recalls ever consciously feeling. Spock checks on his experiment. He is Vulcan. He prefers to control his emotions rather than dwell on them.

The door whooshes open, and Janice Lester strides in, wearing Kirk's body proudly. Spock barely suppresses the angry shiver that runs up his spine. He fells very protective of Kirk, more so than ever before.

"Spock," she says, twisting Kirk's face into an evil smirk that doesn't look right, "Spock, I kicked you off the bridge so you would stop making trouble, and it seems it didn't quite work. Why do you insist on flouting my authority, Mr. Spock?"

"I do not know what you mean, captain."

The evil smirk contorts into a snarled grimace. She is… unhappy.

"I am merely executing my duties as First Officer," Spock continues, feeling bold, "I am charged with making sure the ship operates smoothly and that the crew are looked after. This occasionally results in my needing to question your judgment. I do so quite often, if you will recall."

He could not resist the passing jibe. All trace of a smile flees, leaving the snarl. Lester swoops close and leans into his personal space, hissing, "Listen up, you pointy-eared fuck, _I am in charge_. You _will_ listen to me, and you _will_ obey my orders. I am the captain. _Do you understand_?"

Spock looks directly at Lester, refusing to flinch. His eyes narrow imperceptibly. He does not like the way she wears Kirk like an ill-fitting suit. She does not move right or sound right or sit right in the chair.

"I understand you perfectly, _captain_ ," he answers tightly.

"Good, then tell me where Janice Lester is," she demands.

He wants to tell that Lester is right in front him or to look in a mirror, but he quickly squashes that very human urge. It would be too dangerous, would destroy what they have done so far. He tells her instead, "I did not know she was missing."

"Of course you did! Stop lying!" she shouts, "Never lie to me!"

"Vulcans do not lie. I was not aware Miss Lester was missing, though I shall never endeavor to look for her when I may. Should I locate her, you will be immediately notified, captain."

Calling Lester captain seemed to mollify her, to soothe her anger, and Spock makes a mental note of the reaction. She stands up, straightens the tunic, and says, "Notify me immediately when you find her. I'm counting on you."

She strides out, and Spock finds himself feeling angry and disgusted. No, he does not like her in Kirk's body at all. It's not right. He returns to his experiment and his previous thoughts, not wishing to think of Miss Lester any longer.

It was not unheard of, before the sudden loss of almost their entire population, for a Vulcan to choose a bondmate of the same gender, and he wonders briefly why his counterpart said nothing if he and Another Kirk had had a romantic relationship; he chides himself. Of course Other Spock said nothing of a romantic relationship or bonding between them. He and Kirk had not even been acquaintances when Other Spock melded with Kirk and were barely friends when Spock spoke with him in the hangar. It would have been unethical to mention something like that in an attempt to push them together. Now if it evolved organically… Spock finishes up his experiment and checks the chronometer. Kirk has been alone for a few hours now, and Spock thinks it should be safe to return to his quarters.

He finds Kirk sitting alone with a datapad and an empty food tray. He looks up when Spock enters and grins widely. Yes, this is his Jim Kirk, with a contagious smile and infectious cheer and joyful eyes. How is it that Kirk looks so at ease in this foreign body when his fits Lester so poorly? Kirk sees his veiled consternation, see the emotions churning just under the still surface. The grin flees his face. He frowns instead, asking, "Spock, what's wrong? Did Lester find you? What did she say?"

"She questioned me as to your whereabouts, and I told her I was not aware you were missing. She took special offense to my feigned ignorance and leveled an insult at me based on my heritage and appearance."

"What did she say, Spock?" Kirk asks, upset.

Spock tells him. Kirk takes it poorly.

"She said that to you?! I cannot believe she said that to you!" he rages.

Kirk paces the room again, raging, anger boiling just under the surface. Spock can feel it seething under his own skin as part of the link forged earlier. Kirk's nostrils flare. Muscles twitch under the foreign skin. Fists clench. Spock is touched that Kirk cares so much.

"She can't say that shit to you!" he explodes finally, "She has no right! _No right_! As soon as I get my body back, I'll kill her! I'll fuckin' kill her! That piece of-"

"Jim, please, I do not wish to see any violence on my behalf," Spock speaks up calmly, "I am, unfortunately, used to hearing such xenophobic slurs, though I do not count Dr. McCoy's good natured jibes as such, nor anything you have said while not yourself. We must continue to act as though nothing is wrong if we wish to avoid suspicion."

Kirk paces in agitation for a bit more until his energy is spent, and he drops down into the chair, exhausted, scrubbing at the face that's is not his. Frustration seeps through the link they share. Spock thinks some of it may be his own.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for some language and violence

Kirk slips out into the corridor while Spock is in the labs again. Neither McCoy nor Spock was comfortable with Kirk leaving the cabin, but he can't sit by while Lester rules over his ship with an iron fist. There are things he needs to know, things he thinks his friends aren't telling him, and he needs to go to the crew to obtain said information. It felt a bit odd to slip on a dress and know that feet really did fit comfortably in those feminine boots and realize that doing hair was way more of a pain than he could have imagined. At least McCoy and Nurse Kellye had done a good job of finding a uniform to fit this borrowed body. _Now to business_ …

Based on the chronometer on the computer in the corridor, Kirk figures Lester will still be on the bridge, but that Sulu and Chekov would be elsewhere. Chekov was likely in their shared quarters, but Sulu had the added option of being in the botany lab. Kirk has a moment of indecision.

"Computer, locate Lt. Hikaru Sulu."

" _Lt. Hikaru Sulu-location… botany lab, science sector._ "

_I might have known_. Kirk hurries to the lab, praying no one would say anything to him or call Lester, and he is thankful to arrive without incident. He finds his pilot sitting in the corner of the room, tending to a large, curious-looking flowering plant with dark blue petals; it seems to be purring. He looks up when Kirk enters. Kirk expects one of those flashy Sulu grins, then remembers that he is currently no one to Sulu. He offers Sulu a smile of his own and approaches, saying, "You're Lt. Sulu, right? The pilot?"

"Yeah… who are you?" Sulu asks, looking puzzled.

Kirk chews his bottom lip. Sulu is extremely loyal, almost as loyal as Spock. Just claiming to be Jim Kirk isn't going to fly here, but he needs to try something. He moves closer to Sulu, speaking in a low voice, "Mr. Sulu, you're not gonna believe this, but… the Cpt. Kirk on the bridge is _not_ the real Kirk. I am. The one on the bridge is Janice Lester. She switched bodies with me on Camus II using some weird old machine created by their ancients, and now I'm stuck in her body and she's wearing me like a meatsuit."

Sulu's expression is nondescript. Kirk wrings the slim hands.

"Prove it."

Dammit. Kirk paces a bit, thinking hard. What's something only he and Sulu would remember? He half-wishes one of them was Vulcan to make this easier to do.

"Umm… well… there's, no not that… lemme think, lemme think… oh! The Battle of Vulcan! We space jumped down to the surface- well to the big drill Nero had- and we had to fight some Romulans, and Olsen died from flying into the drill stream… and I was worried before we got there because you said your combat experience was fencing. I shouldn't have been. You kicked some major ass. Then, umm… then you got knocked off the drill platform, and I jumped after you even though we both could have died-"

"But we didn't," Sulu replied quietly, "because Chekov got our signal in time, and he beamed us up."

"Yes, Chekov saved us, and plenty of others too… a lot of Vulcans wouldn't be here today if not for him…"

Sulu smiles and nods. Chekov is his best friend. He likes it when people praise the kid. He tells Kirk, "Must've been one hell of a machine, captain."

"Ugh, you have no idea," Kirk replies, overwhelmed with relief, "Listen, I need your help, Sulu. I need to know what Lester's doing with my ship and my crew."

"She's awful, sir. A dictator. She kicked Spock off the bridge for disagreeing with her over our change of course to Benecia, yelled at Pavel for talking out of turn, yelled at Uhura for humming, at Barwin for talking, period! We can't take it anymore."

"Well, then don't. Don't take it anymore. We'll take her down, but I am going to need help. Here's what we gotta do…"

xXxXx

Chekov looks up when the door to his and Sulu's quarters whoosh open. Sulu hurries over, whispering, "Pavel, you were right!"

"Right? Right about what?"

"About the captain! The Kirk on the bridge isn't really Kirk! It's Janice Lester, the woman that we picked up on Camus II. Kirk just told me," Sulu hisses.

Chekov sits up very straight, asking, "What? You saw him? Where? When?"

"Just now in the botany lab…" and he explains the whole, mad story to Chekov, who becomes increasingly agitated.

"We have to tell everyone!" he says at last, "Zhe crew needs to know someone else is in control of zhe Enterprise!"

"That's where you come in, Pavel. Spock and McCoy already know 'cause they busted him out of medical, but Kirk said he needs your help."

"Anything. What does he want?"

"He needs you to spread the word. Everyone knows you run the rumor mill here on the ship. You know who to talk to get news spread quick. He just wants you to talk."

Chekov smirks.

"I can do zat."

He goes first to Lt. Darwin, a pretty black woman with her hair shorn off who is a better navigator than anyone he's ever met. She's well-liked and, like him, knows who to talk to. He finds her running transporter simulations.

"Pavel Chekov, what can I do for you today?" she asks with a smile.

"Aisha, I have something very important to tell you. Zhe captain is an imposter. Here's what I need help telling everyone you can…"

Once Darwin has heard the whole tale, she replies, "The whole crew will know by the end of the day."

Chekov's next stop is Engineering, to see their loose-lipped chief engineer.

"Ah, laddie, what can I do for ye?" Scotty asks cheerfully.

He is less than cheerful when he learns what is going on with his ship, letting slip a few choice swears at certain points.

"Och, lad, I'll spread the word like wildfire. You can be sure of that!"

"Remember, zhe captain said to act normally until he gives zhe word. Lester must not know what we are doing!"

Engineering will be buzzing with the knowledge before the hour is out. Chekov's next stop is Uhura, who promises to pass on the message through Communication and Linguistics. Sulu has been to Sciences and Medical and Operations. All the Enterprise should know before the next morning's alpha shift. Chekov has to admit, he is pretty good at this.

On his way to grab some dinner in the mess, he accidentally walks into a dark-haired ensign in a gold uniform dress.

"Oh! I'm so sorry! I was not paying attention! Are you alright, miss?"

The young woman's eyes go wide. She quickly clamps down on his arm and drags him behind a bulkhead, hidden from sight. Chekov feels his face go beet red. He knows what other people get up to behind bulkheads and-

"Pavel Andreivich Chekov, am I glad to see you!" she exclaims.

Confusion reigns in Chekov's mind for a solid five seconds. Chekov has never seen this person in his life… unless…

"Captain?"

"Yes! Yes, Pavel, it's me! It's Kirk!" the person says excitedly, "Sulu brought you my message right? You been spreadin' the good news?"

The smile fades from the young woman's face when Chekov says nothing. Sulu had no reason to lie to him, but what if this woman had lied to _him_? Still, he couldn't be sure this was actually Kirk.

"Pavel… it's-it's me, I really am Jim Kirk, I promise."

"I… I want to believe you, but… I…"

He can't finish the sentence. The person in front him looks around, at everywhere but his face, clearly thinking hard. After a long moment, she says, "What about… what about when Khan attacked the Enterprise? Me and Scotty ran into Engineering but the gravity was busted so the ship was spinning and flipping, and me and Scotty nearly died falling off a catwalk but then you saved us. You saved me and Scotty and then you helped save the ship and the whole Earth. That was a good day. You did real good, kid."

Oh yes, that is his captain, so quick to dole out compliments and encouragement to his crew, to give a needed smile, to make everyone feel useful and cared for.

"It was not a good day, captain, you died," Chekov sulks.

"So you believe me?"

"Yes. Sulu told me what you wanted me to do, and I have been all over zhe ship, telling everyone. Zhe whole crew should know by zhe next alpha shift. I hope that is good enough."

"It's perfect. Thank you so much, Pavel. Keep up the good work. Where you headed next?"

"I was going to dinner. I have not eaten much lately."

"Good. I hear mess is pretty busy right now."

"Don't worry. I think I will be able to find somewhere to sit, someone to talk to."

Kirk flashes a grin and slips away. Yes… that is Chekov's captain.

xXxXx

Empty corridors bother Kirk. He feels exposed and watched in this alien body, especially because he knows he's being hunted. He'd much prefer a crowd to hide in. He currently tries to hide by walking calmly to pretend he was just going about his usual business when a hand clamps tightly around his wrist and hauls him behind a bulkhead. Fear flares up in his chest, sending adrenaline pumping through his veins, as he is slammed into the wall. He lets out a grunt and looks up.

It's very strange to see his own face looming over him, twisted by an evil grin. The grip on his wrist is tight and painful, though he does his best to avoid showing it on his face.

"You have been a very naughty boy, Jim," she hisses menacingly, "Didn't anyone ever tell you not to spread nasty lies about people?"

"May be nasty, but it ain't a lie."

His head snaps to the side from the force of the slap, his cheek stinging. He still shows nothing in his face as he looks back up. _Damn, am I really that strong?_ Lester has his real face twisted into a snarl now.

"You ought to show me some respect. I am the _captain_ , and I _deserve_ respect."

"Oh, just 'cause you're the captain doesn't mean you deserve respect."

The second slap is more painful, abusing already bruising flesh, and Kirk takes slightly longer to recover. Lester is definitely not screwing around.

"Listen up, you fucking prick. I _own_ you right now, because who is gonna believe you? You may have the half-breed and that redneck doctor on your side, but I can get rid of them just as easily as I can rid of you. I'll bring down a court martial on you all so hard, and you're gonna get nailed to the fucking wall," she spits, "I should throw your ass in the brig and let you rot, but I don't think I will. No, watching you scramble around trying to save face is so much more entertaining. I am enjoying this _so_ much because you can't stop me."

"Just watch me, _Janice_ ," Kirk snaps.

He dodges this slap, but Lester twists his arm forcefully, almost wrenching his elbow out of joint. He fails to bite back a gasp of shock and pain.

"You _will not_ stop me, and you _will not_ get in my way. If I catch even a _whiff_ of you spreading those rumors again, I won't take it out on you. I'll pick a crewmember and take it out on them, understand? Like… that little Russian bastard. I don't like that little shit much. Think he deserves to be smacked around a bit myself."

Rage flashes red behind Kirk's eyes.

"You leave them alone, you crazy bitch, or I'll fu- _ah_!"

Agony shoots up his arm and into his spine, nearly making his knees buckle.

"Respect, _Janice_ ," she hisses cruelly, "or that little Russian brat gets it worse."

Another slap connects. Pain and adrenaline send him into ragged breaths, set his body trembling. He thinks he may be afraid. A sound that may be a whimper escapes his throat when Lester clamps her hand on his already throbbing jaw, fingers digging into the bruised flesh of his cheek. She forces him to look up into his own sneering face. He does not like it.

" _Respect_. Look at me when I talk to you, understood?"

"Yes."

The fingers dig in harder, the other hand still twisting his arm. Tears spring up in his eyes that he desperately wishes would go away.

"Yes, _what_?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's a good start. Try again. _Yes, what_?"

_Just give in. Survival, Jim. You can't help anyone if you're locked up or dead._

"Yes, _captain_."

She releases his face, hissing, "You better remember that," and throws him to the floor, wrenching his arm violently. He jars it more by using it to break his fall and lets out a cry of pain. Kirk watches his stolen body stalk away. The corridor remains empty.

xXxXx

Spock is startled to feel fear crawling along his skin, borne by the slim bond that connects his psyche to Kirk's. Kirk buries fear as easily as a Vulcan, so for him to feel it so deeply and forcefully is troubling. He is even more startled when the door hisses open and Kirk stumbles in, his breath ragged. Kirk's back connects with the wall beside the closed door, and he leans on it heavily, sliding into a heap on the floor. Spock is on his feet and at Kirk's side in an instant. He does not like what he sees.

One side of Kirk's borrowed face is half-covered with a blossoming bruise of blue and purple and black. The blows to his face also split the lower lip and a spot over the cheekbone. His whole body is shaking, and he's holding his left arm gingerly to avoid use. The chest rises and falls erratically as he struggles for air. Rage bubbles up inside Spock's chest, boils against his ribcage and up his spine, and he manages to calm himself only because his rage seems to disturb Kirk. Spock pushes down the anger and sends calming thoughts over their tenuous link; Kirk relaxes slightly.

"I will call for Dr. McCoy," Spock tells him, "These injuries req-"

"No!" Kirk gasps, "No, don't call Bones. Leave him out of it… please…"

"I do not know if I have the skill to properly tend your injuries. I would prefer to call Dr. McCoy," he says honestly.

"No, you can… you can do it, Spock… I trust you…"

Why must Kirk have such unshakeable faith in him? Spock agrees, however hesitantly, to tend the wounds to his captain's borrowed body. Kirk's head bobs lazily in what Spock supposes is a nod. He has no energy left, spent it all in denying McCoy's aid. He still sits on the floor of Spock's cabin, loose-limbed but shaking. Without thinking, Spock carefully scoops Kirk up into his arms, and he feels a strange sense of pleasure when Kirk curls into his chest. He deposits Kirk onto the bed, his back to the wall, and retrieves his medical kit. Kirk barely moves when he sits beside him. Spock pulls out a hypo of painkiller, but Kirk mutters, "No… no, I'm aller-allergic to that one. You know that, Spock."

"Yes, Jim Kirk is allergic to it, but Miss Lester is not. Her bodily reactions are nowhere near as volatile as yours."

Kirk's lips quirk up in a smile, and Spock's heart flutters against the base of his ribcage.

"I don't wan' a painkiller."

"I would not recommen-"

" _Spock_ , I don't wan' it. Don't like 'em."

Kirk is still stubborn through his weakness. Spock puts the hypospray down.

"What did she do to you, Jim?" Spock asks in a low voice.

"Well, she smacked me a few times, near twisted my arm off," he replies quietly, "threatened me, threatened my crew… ran back here as fast 's I could…"

"You were afraid."

"Yeah, for my crew… my friends…"

"What did she threaten to do if you did not comply with her wishes?"

"Said she would smack the shit outta Pavel if I kep' actin' up. I can't allow that, Spock, I just can't. I'd rather she take it outta my hide…"

"And I cannot allow that," Spock states, "It is my duty to protect you from harm."

"As my First Officer?"

"As your friend, Jim."

Kirk wets his lips slowly before saying, "See what you can do for my arm… sore as hell…"

Spock obliges him, carefully pushing his sleeve up the slender arm. Much like the cheek, the wrist is a mottled black and purple, the bruise wrapping around completely. Kirk lets out a hiss of pain when Spock manipulates the arm. The elbow joint appears swollen, Kirk flinches away when he tries to touch it.

"You must allow me to contact Dr. McCoy," Spock tells him, "Captain, this is beyond my medical skills. Dr. McCoy would be better able to determine the extent of any internal damage far better than I."

Kirk's eyes are unfocused, his chest still heaving with rapid breaths. Spock is becoming increasingly concerned with Kirk's health. This does not feel right, but he isn't sure why Kirk is in such a bad way. Could there be head trauma from being struck repeatedly? Throwing up a quick mental shield, Spock reaches out to take Kirk's pulse and finds it pounding and jumping under his touch. He racked his brain for the answer, wondering his medical knowledge was not greater and vowing to amend it. _It cannot be shock. There is no blood loss, no damage to the heart or spine. Why is he having such a strong reaction?_ He grabs the datapad containing Lester's medical records and a comm.

"Dr. McCoy," he barks into the comm, "I require your assistance immediately."

McCoy's response is swift: " _I'll be right there. Hang in there_."

Spock does not reply, returning his full attention to Kirk and Lester's medical data. He finds what he's looking for in a matter of seconds. Lester is prone to panic attacks, and because she is prone to them, Kirk is. Logic tells him that Kirk's hyperventilating earlier is the likely culprit, but the same logic also tells him that he cannot apply logic to this condition. Panic attacks are, by their definition (generally), caused by emotional reactions. He concludes that the assault Kirk experienced and the subsequent fear is the cause for this acute reaction. He cannot stop himself from reaching out and resting his palm against Kirk's uninjured cheek. Long lashes flutter. Breaths wheeze and hitch. His head tilts to the side, pressing his cheek against Spock's hand a bit harder.

In reality, only a few seconds pass. It feels much longer in Spock's mind. Kirk's emotions launch an assault on their fragile bond. Fear collides viciously with Spock's senses: fear of pain, fear for others, fear of dying. He fears himself, fears how people view him after seeing his own power firsthand, fears his own strength. These fears are Kirk's. Is that how his crew sees him? Powerful? Terrifying? Fearsome? Wrathful? Pain echoes along the contours of Spock's arm and jaw in alignment with Kirk's injuries. Panic and defiance and humiliation are all consuming. Spock feels a burning in his lungs, feels his chest constricting, his heart pounding, feels dizzy, nauseous, like he's being smothered to death-

The anxiety rolls out of his mind as quickly as it came. Spock pulls in deep, controlled breaths, feeling like he hasn't breathed properly in days. Kirk's breathing is still too fast and shallow for his liking. He tries to send calming thoughts over their slight bond, feelings of friendship and happiness and peace, trying to calm his friend and set his breathing aright.

It has not settled by the time McCoy arrives.

xXxXx

McCoy enters Spock's quarters and finds the hybrid sitting on the bed beside Kirk, one hand cupping a feminine cheek. He quickly approaches his friends and asks, "How is he, Spock? What happened?"

"He was in an altercation with Lester," Spock replies, his voice low, "As for his condition, he appears to be having trouble with oxygen intake, which I have attributed to a panic attack caused by hyperventilation."

McCoy feels rage bubble up in his chest but shoves it down. Anger gets in the way of treatment. There will be time for anger later. He gently takes Spock's wrist and pulls his hand away from Kirk's face, asking him wordlessly to move away so he could better examine Kirk.

The right cheek was bruised and slightly swollen, the mottled colors spread out in the shadow of a hand. Dried blood is crusted over the cheekbone and in a split in the lower lip; they'll need cleaning. The unmarred cheek is flushed at the apple but pale around it and does not feel warm. Kirk is now close to passing out, his eyes fluttering, his breaths shallow, his heartbeat too fast. McCoy turns his attention to the left arm held gingerly in Kirk's lap. A whimper pushes past the captain's lips as McCoy gently inspects and manipulates the arm, noting more bruising at the wrist and around the swollen elbow joint. These injuries tell him all he needs to know about Kirk's 'altercation' with Lester. He has to push down the ball of rage again.

He gets to work quickly, administering carefully measured hypos to bring down swelling, alleviate pain, and regulate the fast and erratic heartbeat. McCoy then cleans the open cuts on Kirk's face before closing them up with the dermal regenerator, which takes very little time. He also applies a salve to Kirk's bruises to help them heal faster, though it would still be a few days before they were gone completely. Once the minor injuries are taken care of, he moves on to the elbow.

The elbow did not appear dislocated or broken in any way, despite Kirk's pain, but the area around the joint was swollen and slightly bruised between the bony points. Based off the heavy bruising at the wrist, he would say that Lester had damn near twisted the arm off, leaving Kirk with a fairly substantial sprain. He gives him a hypo to speed up the healing process and manages to regenerate some of the ligament tissue, but he won't be fully healed until tomorrow. McCoy wraps the joint in the meantime to avoid too much movement, especially since the patient seems to be perking up.

"Doctor, do you have diagnosis?" Spock asks.

"Yeah, you were right, Spock," he replies, "Got all worked up with that fight-or-flight and threw the body systems outta whack and set off a panic attack. None of the damage is too bad. Worst is the elbow. Lester pert near pulled his arm off, sprained the elbow pretty bad, but he'll recover by tomorrow _if he stays in bed like his doctor says_ ," he adds forcefully as Kirk moves to get up, "C'mere, kid, got one more for ya…"

McCoy swiftly administers a hypo of a solution filled with various vitamins and nutrients to help Kirk feel better faster. Kirk still looks weak but has that damn smug smirk now. Looking at the captain trapped, battered and bruised, in the unfamiliar body, McCoy feels a surge of affection for him. He reaches out and brushes some hair away from the forehead, mumbling, "Christ, Jim, only you… tell me what she did."

Kirk tells him, and McCoy can't fight down that anger any longer. He presses his mouth into a thin line, balls his shaking hands into fists, blows hard through his nose. She's evil. He hates her. He hates the way she treats the crew. He hates how she treats him and Spock. He hates that she hurt Kirk. Tears of rage fill his eyes, and he wills them not to fall. He does not want to cry in front of Kirk and Spock.

There is a pressure one on of his hands, so he looks down. Kirk has taken hold of it in one of the small, delicate, slightly calloused hands. McCoy cannot decide if he thinks it feels wrong.

"You oughta rest, Jim," he mutters, "You had a rough day."

He knows just how rough it was when Kirk complies without complaint. McCoy leaves him be, moving to sit in a chair beside Spock, each holding a datapad and secretly watching Kirk.

"We'll set him right, Spock. Don't worry."

"I am not worried."

"Bullshit," McCoy retorts, "Ya can't lie to me. I'm a doctor, dammit. It's my job to know when people are hurtin' and won't tell me. Yer worried. I can tell."

He waits.

"I do not see any logical way to return the captain to his body. We cannot turn back to return to Camus II without raising a mutiny and taking control of the ship away from her. She will not allow such a course change."

"Not sure I'm seein' a problem with a mutiny just now, Spock. Besides, ain't that part of Jim's grand plan? Take back his ship?"

"It may be possible," Spock concedes, "The crew is largely of one mind on their lack of affection for this leadership style. Raising such a mutiny would not be difficult. My concern is with how we will explain our actions to the admiralty."

"Well, we're already gonna have to explain the weird captain's logs and random punitive charges she's leveled at everyone she can think of. I think explaining a mutiny that wasn't really a mutiny's gonna be the least of our problems. I mean, is it really a mutiny if it's Jim takin' back his ship from a hijacker?"

Spock mulls it over moment. McCoy recognizes the 'I-agree-with-you-but-don't-want-to-admit-you're-right-just-yet' face.

"Tomorrow," Spock says at last in a quiet tone, "We will do it tomorrow, if Jim is well."

"Yeah… if Jim's well," McCoy agrees.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some strong language and some violence.

Chaos reigns as the Enterprise comes to a full and unexpected stop… or it would have if the stop had indeed been unexpected for everyone but Lester. Scotty had planned the stoppage to the second, cutting the engines quickly but safely. Chekov and Sulu took their hands from the controls in a complete refusal to cooperate with Lester's demands, while Uhura and Darwin worked quickly to shut off all outward communications. Uhura watches as the false Kirk loses his (her, she reminds herself) mind, watches her go crazy. Lester-as-Kirk throws a tantrum, screaming and swearing and threatening the crew. It would be funny if it weren't utterly terrifying.

"You can't do this!" she screeches in Kirk's voice, "You can't do this to me! I am the _captain_! _Goddammit, I am the fucking captain_!"

"No, you're really not," a woman's says.

Uhura turns. Spock and McCoy flank a young woman who must be Janice Lester, well, Kirk-as-Lester. Even in the stranger's body, Kirk commands respect, exudes the same confidence he bears in his own. It's in his stance, his eyes, in that damn smirk. This person can only be Jim Kirk. Uhura can't believe she ever doubted it. Lester twists Kirk's face into a raging snarl.

" _What did you say to me_?" she hisses ferally.

"You heard me. I said you're not the captain," Kirk tells her firmly, "I am, and I don't like the way you've been treating my crew. I'm afraid conduct like that gets you tossed in the brig, Miss Lester."

Lester purples, looking downright apoplectic, and shrieks, "How dare you-!"

"NO!" Kirk bellows, stepping into Lester's personal space forcefully, "How dare _you_! How dare you come onto _my_ ship and abuse my crew's trust in me? You've been lording over them since you stole my body right out from under me, treating them like a tyrant treats their subjects rather than acting how a captain _should_ act! You tried to terrorize them into loyalty rather than earn it, and I'm not having it anymore! SECURITY!"

Two armed security step up beside him. He tells them, "Take Miss Lester to our finest cell in the brig and make her very comfortable. Oh, and be sure not to harm a hair on my blonde head. I'm going to need that body back, after all."

"You can't do this! This is mutiny! _Mutiny_!" Lester screams.

"It's not mutiny if you're not really the captain," Kirk smirks, "Instead, this is the captain taking his ship back from a hijacker. Now, follow the nice security off-"

"I'll kill myself! I'll kill myself and leave you in that wretched body!"

"Wretched? I think that's overkill. It's pretty nice actually," Kirk states matter-of-factly, "I honestly don't think it's half-bad myself. Got curves and squishy bits in all the right places. You'd be very pretty if your personality wasn't shit. Perhaps we need the good doctor here to sedate you so you'll go quietly and won't do anything stupid. What do you think, Bones?"

"I think it may do her a world of good, Jim."

Uhura watches in fascination. Kirk is cool and calm and collected in the face of this raging psychopath who happens to be wearing his body. Lester-as-Kirk looks ready to have a stroke and a coronary all at once, the face purpled with rage, veins popping in various places. She does not like seeing the captain like that. Lester is all wrong in his body, and she can finally see it perfectly, like having the last few pieces to a puzzle. It's easy to be sure they've switched bodies when she can see Kirk standing there, bold as brass in someone else's skin.

She watches without moving. There is definitely more to Kirk's plan.

xXxXx

It's very interesting for Kirk to see how he would look if he completely lost his mind one day. Veins in his neck and forehead are pulsing so hard he fears they may burst and kill his body before he can get it back. He can only imagine what she's doing to his blood pressure. McCoy will have him on some meds for that soon, thanks to her.

"Now, listen, Janice," Kirk says firmly, "you've got two options here. You can either go with the nice security officers _peacefully_ , or I can have Bones sedate you and strap you to a bed until we can drop you off somewhere. Your choice."

There is a very pregnant pause in which they stare each other down. Lester launches at Kirk, teeth bared in a feral snarl. She does not get far. Spock steps between them, swiftly deflects Lester's grab for Kirk's throat, and administers a quick neck pinch, sending Lester crashing to the floor.

"Forgot about that third option," Kirk deadpans.

McCoy groans softly beside him at the snark, then says, "Well, I reckon I better get her down to sickbay and tie her down 'til she wakes up."

"I agree. I'll be down in a minute. I wanna talk to Dr. Coleman, if he's available."

"I do believe he's awake again. I'll let him know you're comin'."

Kirk thanks him and watches him take his own unconscious body into the turbolift. Once the doors shut, he springs into action, taking up his rightful seat in the chair once more. He throws open a channel for a ship-wide announcement, saying, "Kirk to Enterprise crew, you will be happy to know that we have successfully taken back our ship from the imposter posing as me. We'll be reversing course as soon as we get the ship's engines up and running again, course to be determined. You all performed admirably today, and over the course of the imposter's hijacking. I am very proud.

"As you have guessed by now, there is still a major hurdle to overcome, and that is the fact that the imposter still has my body. We are doing all we can to remedy the situation, and I will notify you when I have it back. Again, I am very proud of you all. Kirk out."

Even just on the bridge, the crew's relief is palpable. Kirk flips another switch on his console, calling, "Scotty, my miracle worker! You did a great job stopping us, but how about starting us up again?"

"I'll need at least half an hour to get everything up and running safely, cap'n," he reports over the sound of cheering in the engine room.

"Works for me, Mr. Scott. I know you'll do it."

Kirk shuts it all off and rises from the chair, heading for the turbolift.

"Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, when Scotty gets the engines back online, I want a course laid in for Camus II. Lt. Uhura, open up a channel and call the Potemkin. Apologize for our delay and ask if they can wait at Beta Aurigae for another day. We should be there by then. Sulu, you'll have the conn. Spock, with me. We need to have a chat with Dr. Coleman."

Spock quickly obeys, spinning his chair and standing up in one fluid motion. Together, they board the turbolift and head for Medical.

"What insight do you hope to gain from a conversation with Dr. Coleman, captain?" Spock asks.

"Anything," Kirk replies tersely, "He was there for the experiments, probably helped Lester with them. He must know _something_ about how that machine works, if it wears off, how to reverse the process. I need something to work with, Spock. Taking back the Enterprise was only half the battle."

Spock looks pensive, which admittedly is his usual expression. He remains quiet, and Kirk finds the silence irritating, so he ventures, "What are you thinking, Spock?"

"What if Coleman refuses to offer assistance? He has shown a great deal of devotion to Miss Lester. It is, therefore, logical to assume he will not wish to indict her in any way by admitting she has committed any wrongs."

"I think he was afraid of her, to be honest. Fear can masquerade as loyalty and devotion until the fear is gone. After that, there's nothing left but resentment and a desire for revenge. Now does Coleman want revenge on Lester? I don't think so, but he may still give up some information."

"What are your thoughts on the matter?"

"I think he had both, fear and real devotion, but I also think that devotion will be the thing that makes him talk. He wants to help her, and that's why he'll tell us what we wanna know. That's what I'm banking on, Spock."

"But if you are mistaken, captain, if his loyalty is true, what will you do then? We do not-"

"Goddamm-! I don't know, Spock! I'll research it! We'll go back to Camus II and tear the lab apart until we find something that helps!" Kirk snaps, "We'll get some damn truth serum and pump Coleman full of it until he cooperates and tells us what he knows! I'm sure not gonna sit around with my thumb up my ass, just waiting for something to happen though! I'll figure it out! I'll do _work_!"

Spock's expression is as close to chastised as he gets. Kirk's getting pretty good at knowing how Spock feels… but he thinks there's something else. He sighs, saying, "Look, Spock, I'm sorry I snapped. I just… this isn't exactly easy. I'm stressed."

The two exit into the corridor and stand in silence for a moment. Kirk feels embarrassed, and he wonders if it's all his own.

"Come on, Spock. Dr. Coleman's waiting."

The old scientist sits outside the private room for Lester, looking somehow more haggard than when they first met. He wrings his gnarled hands when Kirk and Spock approach.

"Captain, I heard you when you spoke to your crew," he says, his voice tremulous, "You said that you overthrew Janice. Please… is she alright? She wasn't hurt? I saw… she was unconscious when they brought her in."

Kirk's stomach lurches slightly. Maybe Spock was right. Maybe Coleman won't help them, won't talk to them. He answers the old archaeologist, "She's fine, just knocked out. Trust me, I'm not doing any damage to my own body."

Coleman seems to cheer up a bit at that, muttering, "Oh yes, that's good, good," then addresses Kirk and Spock, "You know she's very ill, Janice, very ill. Poor girl never recovered from her ordeal all those years ago. They tortured her, you know, her kidnappers."

"How do you know that?" Kirk asks.

"She told me. I never had children of my own, so I treated her as I would a daughter, and I am proud to say she felt comfortable opening up to me about what happened. Told me how she was tortured by those people that kidnapped her. Oh, she wasn't specific, but I could guess. They did awful things to her. She came to believe that if she were a man none of that would have happened to her. I wasn't too worried about that, figured it was pretty common thinking for someone in her situation.

"Then we were sent to Camus II and found that machine. It took us a while to figure out what it did, but once she'd translated the texts about it, she went mad with power. She used each of the men onsite in turn, experimenting with how long she could wear their bodies before it wore off, and when it did, she killed them with celebium. You must understand, gentlemen, I wanted no part of it. I'm just an archaeologist, but… but she was so ill of mind. I only wanted her to be happy. Can you understand that?"

Kirk looks over the hunched old scientist. His expression is so sincere, so worn, so paternal, and Kirk finds he can't fault him for being terrified of the young woman he loved as a daughter. He nods at him, saying, "I do, Dr. Coleman, but now we need your help, and so does Janice. I need your help to get my body back. When me and Janice are both set right, we can get Janice the help she needs. Please, Dr. Coleman…"

He steps forward and rests one of the delicate hands on the old man's shoulder, half-hoping his love for Janice would give Kirk an advantage while he was in her body. Coleman looks torn between seeing Janice's face and knowing who's behind it. He takes several minutes to come to terms with whatever decision he's making.

"What would you like to know, captain?"

xXxXx

Spock listens carefully as Coleman explains the strange machine more in depth. They at first believed it to be a defunct medical or recording device, as they had only texts in an alien language to tell them what it did. Lester's main job onsite was to translate the texts they found, so she simply added the presumed instructions to her list. After figuring out how to translate the language of glyphs into Standard, she figured out what the machine was used for.

"I'm not sure she knows exactly how to use it, though. See, when she did it the first time, using a man named Seguin, they switched right back after a little over a day. The longest was just over a week, and she wasn't as hurried as she was with you."

Spock feels his stomach give a small flip. Could the problem possibly solve itself?

"Did she ever experiment on you, doctor?" Kirk asks.

"No… no," he replies with a sad smile, "Why would she want to be in the body of a hunched old man who aches all the time? No, I was just her assistant. Nothing more."

"Is there any other way to reverse it? Or do we just have to wait?"

"I suppose the machine is capable of reversing the process, but I suspect you'll switch back soon enough. It's already been a few days, hasn't it?"

"It's been four day-, no five. Five days, just about."

"Yep, you'll switch back in due time. Just wait… and keep Janice sedated."

They thank Dr. Coleman for his time and cooperation, and they advise him to remain in sickbay for his own safety. McCoy promises to keep them and Coleman updated on Lester's condition, though McCoy does follow Kirk and Spock to Kirk's quarters for a break. Kirk tells him what Coleman told them. McCoy does not appear pleased by the information.

"So it's the waitin' game, huh? Ain't exactly your favorite, Jim."

"Don't I know it," he grumbles, scrubbing at the feminine face with his hands.

The three friends fall silent. Spock can feel Kirk's mind dancing along the thin tendril of their quickly formed bond, impatient and annoyed and mildly angry. The thread tugs at his mind like a child at his mother's skirts, begging for attention. It makes his muscles twitch under his skin at his shoulder blades and up around his neck. After about forty-five minutes or so, McCoy heaves a sigh and announces that he is returning to sickbay where he can keep an eye on Lester. Kirk bids him farewell with a flip of a hand. The irritation ratchets up, crawling under his skin more intently, scratching at the walls of his mind. He isn't sure he understands why Kirk is so annoyed. While it is true that they cannot be sure when he will return to his body, Coleman has said he will in due time. They will simply have to be patient. The thought makes the irritation claw harder at his mind.

"Captain, you are most upset right now," Spock states, "I thought that Coleman's cooperation and truthfulness would ease your stress, but that does not appear to be the case."

"He told the truth, but the truth fucking sucks," Kirk responds, "I don't just wanna sit around and wait to magically switch back. I wanna do something about it, Spock."

"Would you find a distraction agreeable? We have not played chess since the incident began, and I think a game or two would calm you."

Kirk quirks the lips into a smile, saying, "Sure, Spock. Let's play some chess."

Spock sets up the board, and the two of them play several rounds, each one winning every other round. It is a pleasant way to pass the time, though Kirk is still fidgeting and annoyed; Spock feels it itching under skin. Emotions are quite complicated. He wishes this whole ordeal would just end, that Kirk and Lester would just return to their own bodies so business could return to normal.

"There is something else still bothering you, captain," Spock says evenly, "I have heard that humans often talk to one another to relieve their emotional burdens. I believe the euphemism is 'a burden shared'."

"Well, aside from the fact that I have to sit here and wait for something to happen to me that I can't control," Kirk huffs, "I don't really have much to worry about, except that I have to worry about exactly when I'm gonna get my damn body back and what's happening to it in the meantime. Forgive me if I'm on edge."

"I do not believe that is all that is troubling you."

"I'm the captain. There's a lot that troubles me."

Spock falls silent and is beginning to regroup when Kirk quietly asks, "What's troubling _you_ , Mr. Spock?"

He cocks his head at Kirk and lifts an eyebrow.

"Sir, I do not-"

"Oh, don't 'sir' me right now, Spock," he snaps back, "You think your skin's crawling from _my_ emotions, but I know that yours are-"

"How do you know that?" Spock interrupts, his pulse rising.

"Don't you remember? You left a little piece of yourself inside my head when you were there, when you went in to find me," his tone now calmer, "I guess you thought only you could feel it, that little tug, the hint of something else there that doesn't quite belong but doesn't really feel wrong either. I can assure you it's a two way street. Come on, tell me what's bothering you."

"There is nothing-"

"Don't lie to me, Spock."

The hybrid stalls, his mind kicking into overdrive. Never once had he thought Kirk would be able to feel the barely there bond as he could. He wasn't aware Kirk was psychic enough to do so, but as usual, Kirk has surprised him. A mild panic bubbles up in his chest, and he is quickly made aware of the symbiotic nature of the bond. Kirk responds to Spock's feelings of alarm by relaxing and sending a wave of reassurance down the psychic tendril that connects them. Spock appreciates the efforts, but his panic remains. If Kirk could feel his emotions, then what else does he know? Did he know of Spock's thoughts concerning their bond, that he has pondered deepening it, that he sometimes wishes their friendship were a little more?

The captain leans in close to him, whispering, "Please, Spock, tell me what's wrong. I want to help."

Spock takes a moment to compose his whirling thoughts.

"I have been thinking of the things my counterpart showed you on Delta Vega, things he did not make me aware of. While I believe he did so unintentionally, the fact still remains that he did. I am of the opinion that he never should have melded with you."

"Why?" Kirk asks.

"He has seen a great many things in his lifetime, has lost a great deal. He should have known such an emotional transference was not only possible but probable where such deep emotions are concerned. A verbal explanation would have sufficed, whatever his thoughts on the matter."

"To which emotions are you referring, Spock? There were a lot of 'em."

"All of them. Grief, sadness, helplessness, fear… and love."

He finally looks to Kirk, whose eyes he has been avoiding, and finds the unfamiliar face a bright shade of pink. Kirk is blushing. That is a foreign notion. He has never known Kirk to blush. Spock decides to continue, treading carefully now, beginning to understand why humans like to share their problems.

"Are you aware of the meanings of the Vulcan words heard in our meld?" he asks quietly.

"I can't say that I expressly heard any Vulcan… except the word you used, _ne ki'ne_ , and only because you told me what it meant."

Spock averts his eyes once more, wanting to choose his words carefully where such a delicate subject is concerned. He feels curiosity rolling off Kirk in waves, their thread vibrating with interest.

"Some of the terms are in common use among Vulcans, such as _ne ki'ne_ and _besu_ , the latter of which refers to a traveling companion or one often in one's company," Spock says slowly, "Those are words that, until very recently, I used to describe the relationship that we have."

"And now?"

Kirk's voice is low and heavy with questions he won't ask, and Spock thinks he hears a hint of disappointment mirrored in the slight change in the thread's vibrations.

"The other words are more… personal. They are not used lightly and denote a deeper feeling of friendship, comradeship, and love, very deep love. _T'hy'la_ is used for one who could be called friend, brother, or lover, and is somewhat more common than some of the other terms. I will not say them now, but they are used by Vulcans when speaking of the one to whom they have been bonded."

He chances another look at Kirk. The unfamiliar green eyes are wide as Spock continues, "They are akin to the Terran idea of a soulmate."

He doesn't have time to say anything else. Kirk withdraws back into his mind, letting their thread go slack and leaving a strange loneliness in Spock's mind. Kirk blurts quickly, "I don't wanna talk about this now, Spock."

"You were just saying earlier-"

"I know what I said before, and I take it back," he bites out, "I don't wanna talk about that. Not right now."

Spock wishes he understood human better. They have such trouble making up their minds and sticking with their decision.

"If not now, when? I feel this is something we must discuss."

"Later."

"I must ask for more specific parameters."

"When I'm back in my right body, how's that?"

"That is agreeable," Spock replies calmly, wanting to diffuse the situation, "Would you care for another round of chess? It may ease the undue stress I have caused you."

Kirk lets out a huff Spock recognizes as a laugh, saying, "Why not? Let's play."

xXxXx

Kirk is honestly a bit shocked and hurt that Spock didn't realize he could feel their bond, no matter how small it was. He admits it had been strange to feel the hint of another being inside his head, to feel a slow trickle of emotions not his own filtering through his thoughts. It was startling at first, to know someone else could feel him at the same time, though he quickly found Spock's constant presence comforting and calming, and he isn't sure what he would do if the presence were to go away. He wonders if Spock feels the same.

He hid his emotions from Spock as best he could when he ended their conversation. He did not want to deal with ideas of love when he was in someone else's body, especially not when there's too much else for him to worry about. He hated pushing Spock out like that, but he didn't want him to know the truth… not yet.

When he lets Spock back in, he finds contentment sitting comfortably in the middle of their thread, and it feels like being bathed in warm light. Kirk feels bad for snapping earlier and shutting himself down, letting the hurt simmer just under the surface of his mind. Spock's eyebrows knit almost imperceptibly, just enough for Kirk to notice. The warm glow sitting between them shudders and moves toward him at Spock's gentle nudge. It makes Kirk smile, makes him feel happy, and he knows Spock can feel it. His happiness settles the contentment comfortably between once more.

They play two more games, winning one a piece, and Kirk stifles a yawn, saying, "Well, Spock, I think that's it for me. I'm gonna try and get some shut-eye before I gotta be on the bridge tomorrow. You should do the same."

"I do not require rest, captain, though I appreciate your concern."

Kirk smirks at him, saying, "Oh, come on, you're tired. I can feel it. Just lay down for a bi-"

"Jim! Jim, you better git down here quick!" McCoy shouts over the comm.

Kirk wastes no time, sprinting out of his quarters and down to sickbay, Spock on his heels. McCoy is waiting for them outside, his face red and agitated.

"What is it, Bones? What happened?"

"Crazy, Jim! She's fuckin' crazy! Ya gotta do somethin'!" McCoy shouts, his accent thickening with his anger, "Toss her in the brig! Ya gotta do somethin'!"

"What did Lester do?" Spock asks.

"She attacked my nurses, goddammit!" McCoy howls, "She busted outta her restraints and snatched up one of my nurses and's holding a damn scalpel to her neck!"

Kirk enters the medical bay slowly, not wanting to spook Lester and have her harm the nurse. Lester has his eyes huge and crazed, the pupils blown wide. Sweat covers the face and neck, making the shirt stick to the torso. Tiny muscles twitch under the skin. Kirk is forcibly reminded of how poorly she wears his body. Nurse Kellye looks terrified but is very still, not wanting the scalpel any closer to her throat.

"Kellye? You okay?" Kirk asks softly.

She squeaks out an affirmative. Kirk focuses his attention on Lester.

"Janice, let her go," he says authoritatively, "This is between us. You wanna hurt someone? Hurt me. Just let her go."

"Why? This hurts you plenty," she snarls.

"You don't really want to hurt Kellye. You want to hurt me! A real captain doesn't take out their anger on the innocent! They take it out on the people that deserve it, the ones they want! You wanna hurt me? Come and get me!"

He hears Spock and McCoy voice protests behind him, but he ignores them. Lester had gone too far, and this needs to end. She wanted his attention? She has that and more. Lester tosses Kellye to the floor, and the nurse scrambles to get back to McCoy. Kirk settles into a fighting stance. Lester snarls at him. He readies himself for a fight.

He sees his own body launching at him, feels his own hands close around his throat and hot breath on his face. Kirk is struggling wildly against the hold when he is incapacitated by a blinding headache.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spirk. Feelings of worthlessness. A level of adorableness. Minor language.

McCoy lurches forward to help Kirk but is stopped by Spock's firm grip on his upper arm. He whips around, demanding, "Lemme go! What are ya doin'? We gotta help Jim!"

"Doctor, look carefully," Spock tells him, "I believe they are in the process of transferring back."

McCoy looks back to the other two. Kirk's hands are wrapped around Lester's throat, but they are not moving. They are completely stalled, frozen, pain etched on their faces. McCoy moves to go to them again, wanting to make sure they were okay. Spock tightens his grip in a warning.

"Do not interrupt the process. We do not know how they will be affected if you do so."

Spock's eyes show concern. He's as worried for Kirk as McCoy is. The doctor backs up a bit, and Spock loosens his grip slightly; he does not let go. They watch Lester and Kirk in tense expectation for any change in their physical condition. McCoy does not like waiting, not when patient health is concerned, and especially not when that patient is Kirk. He feels Spock trying to offer calming thoughts through the point of contact in his arm, but McCoy pushes them away. While he appreciates what Spock is trying to do, he does not want to be calm just now. He cannot be calm. He watches. He waits.

Minutes pass before they see the first signs of movement. The body of Janice Lester starts to tremble. Little sounds begin to pass the lips until her voice is shrieking, "NO! NO, IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR!"

Kirk's body starts into life, and his hands are immediately withdrawn from Lester's throat. McCoy can see right away that they have indeed switched back. Lester rounds on Kirk, beating on his chest with her fists in a rage, screaming incoherently. Kirk grabs her wrists to stop her, and that final defeat sends her slumping to the floor, sobbing brokenly. McCoy manages to pull away from Spock and rushes over to them. Lester is in the midst of a full psychotic and emotional break, unable to do anything but sob and convulse on the floor. McCoy, in a fit of compassion, sedates her before she hurts herself.

Kirk seems fine, save for some heavy breathing, and he looks no worse for wear. He returns his attention to the slowly calming Lester, the sedative working hard to pump through her adrenaline and anger and grief. Dr. Coleman emerges to survey the scene. His expression is one of sadness and pity when he asks McCoy, "Will she be alright, doctor?"

"I think so. I've just sedated her for now, but she'll need some more expert help, the kind of help she didn't get before," McCoy explains.

"Please, Dr. McCoy, I'll look after her until we reach a starbase. I promise. Please, I've told you how much she means to me. She's like a daughter to me…"

"I don't see why not, Dr. Coleman, you're a decent enough fella. Jim told me you wanted no part of her crazy scheme, and I think you've proven you wanna help. I'll assign a nurse to her case, as well."

Coleman reaches out and wrings McCoy's hand, thanking him profusely before following the assigned nurse into Lester's private room where she is hooked up to an IV of sedative so there are no further hostage situations. McCoy watches the door slide shut, feeling very sorry for both Coleman and Lester. He turns back to Spock and Kirk. They are standing just a hair too close for normal, their arms just touching, emotions thrumming around them in a tight bubble. McCoy, despite not being jealous, can't help but feel excluded.

"Jim," he says softly, "c'mere, I wanna give ya a quick once over, just to be sure you're alright."

Kirk acquiesces without complaint, following McCoy to a biobed; Spock is not far behind. McCoy gives his friend a fairly extensive check-up before declaring him 'fit-as-a-fiddle' except for requiring some rest.

"Good night's sleep should set ya right, so I'm gonna order you to rest for… two days," he tells Kirk, continuing with, "because otherwise you won't rest," when Kirk opens his mouth to protest, "The ship won't float away if you rest a couple days, Jim."

Kirk offers up a chastised smirk, the one that tells McCoy he knows he's right even if he won't say it aloud. McCoy feels warmth bubble up in his chest. The past week had felt so wrong with Kirk not in that body, the one he belongs in, felt like the world had been flipped upside down. Seeing that smirk on that face was like feeling the world right itself, and it made McCoy downright giddy. He growls, "Aw, c'mere, kid," and pulls Kirk into an embrace he eagerly returns. He pulls away after a moment or two, saying, "Well, go on, Jim, git. Go to bed like I done told ya to. I got work to do, and I don't need you hangin' around buggin' me."

Kirk grins at him, and Spock says to McCoy, "I will ensure the captain returns to his quarters and rests as instructed."

"I'm sure you will, Spock," McCoy grumbles as the other two turn to leave.

His voice is much lower and softer after they are gone.

"Yeah, I'm sure you will."

xXxXx

Spock leads his captain back to his quarters, and Kirk follows willingly, still grinning. Joy rolls off him in waves, bubbling over their thread and flooding through Spock's senses. He fights down the very human urge to grin widely, to grab Kirk and spin him around delightedly. He allows his happiness to bleed into their fledgling bond, though he hides his thoughts of deepening their connection. This is his captain and superior officer. Such thoughts are not appropriate.

Once they reach Kirk's quarters, Spock finds himself invited in and is told to 'make himself at home' while Kirk makes an announcement for the crew, so they would know he was set aright. Spock sees how happy he is to know his crew is safe again. The sight makes Spock happy, as well.

"So, Spock, can I get you something? Coffee, tea, something stronger?"

"No, thank you."

"Suit yourself. Think I'll go for something stronger."

Kirk reaches into a cabinet and pulls out a squarish bottle with a black label, filled most of the way with amber liquid, along with a small glass. Spock observes as Kirk pours the liquid into the glass only part of the way, then downs it in a quick swallow before filling the glass with ice and pouring some more.

"I'm gonna need this if we're gonna talk, Spock."

"You have not sufficiently rested as McCoy ordered, and so I will not press you for discussion. Your well-being is paramount to myself and this ship. I will ask you to rest first."

"I can't," Kirk says quietly, "I can't rest. I mean, my body is tired, but my mind is racing. I just wanna go up to the bridge and-"

"No," Spock tells him firmly, "I must insist you rest. I am quite certain that if you were to lay down and make an attempt, you would easily find sleep."

"Yeah… yeah, you're probably right," he replies, taking a long sip of his whiskey, "as usual. I just… this whole thing was so weird and creepy. Seriously, why does the weirdest shit always happen to me?"

He finishes his glass, reaching for the bottle again. Spock takes it out of his reach and is given a pout in exchange. The expression does not faze him in any way.

"Captain, alcohol is a depressant. I do not believe you should consume copious-"

"Copious? Spock, it was, like, three shots at most-"

"Please, Jim," Spock says quietly, "If you were to rest, it would bring me peace."

Kirk looks up at him, eyes the brightest blue. Happiness and comfort and a hint of shame and so much _love_ flood Spock's mind in a rush that's almost too much to bear, and Kirk simply asks, "Will you stay?"

Spock averts his eyes, unable to gaze into dilithium blue any longer, as he answers, "I will stay for as long as you wish."

The thread glows warmly between them. Kirk allows Spock to put away the whiskey bottle and glass while he readies himself for bed by removing his boots, gold overshirt, and trousers, slipping under the sheets in his undershirt and boxers. Spock resumes his place in his usual seat.

"You won't leave?" Kirk queries.

"Not unless I am sorely needed elsewhere, which I do not anticipate."

His captain offers him a sly smile, and he feels the love and contentment floating over their thread (though the smile was really enough for him to notice it). Spock keeps watch as Kirk drifts off into sleep, his breaths evening out, his chest rising and falling with their deep, calm pace. Spock finds himself matching them without trying, listening for the quiet, snuffling snores from Kirk's bed.

He wonders what it would be like if this were his daily routine, if he could be here watching over Kirk while he sleeps, to see his sleepy smile when he first wakes, the golden hair mussed. He wants to be lulled to rest himself by those quiet, even breaths, the gentle thrum of his heartbeat. They have only known each other for five years, and even in that short amount of time, they have been through much together. Such life-altering events included Spock's near death (multiple times), Kirk's near death (a few more times than Spock), the near annihilation of the Enterprise (on several occasions), the deaths of a number of crewmembers, and myriad odd incidents that Spock would have to ponder rather extensively to count. Of course, such incidents were to be expected when exploring deep space for the first time. Spock counts himself extremely fortunate to be part of such an historic mission, and even more so to be counted among Kirk's 'family'.

Spock could recall hating the brash, young Terran upon their first meeting in his disciplinary hearing and later on the Enterprise. He disliked him for breaking all the rules and for thinking he was so very special and that the rules he'd broken were for other people. He'd hated him for provoking him into a fight to give up his command of the Enterprise… until he realized he did not want to command it. He did want to save it. So he fell in with Kirk's ridiculous plan, and damn it all if that illogical human and his emotional behavior didn't manage to save not only the ship but the entire planet Earth from Nero, risking his own life to save Pike. Spock found he had some respect for him.

He thinks loyalty bled into the respect during the Harrison/Khan Incident, when he found he would kill for the man he called captain and friend, found he would do almost anything to avenge his death. When the loyalty evolved into devotion and love, he can't say. It seems to him it was a slow process, something he hadn't realized was happening and was startled to find it had. Looking back, he can pick out possible turning points, things that happened during their time serving together that illuminate the process slightly. Jim Kirk has the innate ability to burrow under a person's skin, whether for good or ill, to make you feel comfortable and content in his presence if the former, and that was how he garnered that famous unwavering loyalty from his crew.

Spock watched his friend and captain slumber peacefully and braids a small strand into their tendril of a bond, filling it with joy and peace. Kirk smiles softly in his sleep. Spock almost wants to look into his dreams, but he refrains, shaking the thought from his mind as soon as it enters. That is something far too intimate for him to ask of his friend, especially at the level of their current relationship and without asking at all. He lets out a human sigh and settles in, waiting for Kirk to wake. He promised he would stay.

xXxXx

The lights are dim when Kirk wakes, and he panics momentarily at the fog in his mind, so similar to the murkiness from his near constant sedation earlier in the week he feels reclaiming his body was a dream. Soft tendrils of calming thoughts creep into his mind, soothing him, telling him he's safe, and he relaxes. He blinks in the soft light, not truly wanting to leave his cocoon of warmth. He doesn't really want to wake up. He was having such lovely dreams of all his wonderful times with-… oh. He cracks open his eyes fully and looks at Spock, who appears intensely interested in a datapad.

He stayed, just as he promised. Kirk wonders exactly how he managed to gain the hybrid's respect and loyalty (and love) when Spock is so logical and he so emotional. They should behave as oil and water, should be constantly raising each other's hackles and rubbing each other the wrong way. They have instead managed to prove the adage that opposites attract. Of course, they'd had a pretty rough start, what with Spock trying to choke the life out of him that one time, but he thinks they've made up for it. It occurs to Kirk that he isn't quite sure when he became so close to Spock that he would give up his life for him.

Spock flicks a finger over the datapad's screen and startles Kirk by saying, "It is good to see you are awake and well rested."

"How'd you know?"

The hybrid offers him a not-quite-smile and tells him simply, "Your breathing pattern changed."

"Is that all, Spock?"

"You also became more… active."

"Active?" Kirk inquires, cocking his head.

Spock very nearly smirks. He informs his captain, "You think too loud."

Kirk gives a chuckle and sits up in bed, scrubbing at the back of neck and stretching. He feels Spock's eyes on him, feels them burning a hole through him. His face is warm. There is no way out of this. He could try to avoid it, yes, but Spock is too stubborn. It would come to a head at a critical point, and he couldn't risk that. He looks over to Spock.

"I, uh… I reckon you wanna have that, uh, talk now, huh, Spock?"

"I have wished to speak with you for several days, however in light of recent events and out of respect for you, I have waited. I shall continue to do so until you deem yourself ready for such a weighted conversation. You know I will not press you unless it becomes absolutely necessary."

Kirk casts his eyes down to his blanket, picking at it with a sad smile. Spock is the best friend, officer, and (partly) human being he could have ever asked to know.

"What did I do to deserve you, Spock?" he asks quietly.

Kirk senses his confusion and peers over at him again. Spock's head is cocked, and there is a look of hurt in his eyes. Kirk tells him, "It's a good thing. I meant to say that I don't deserve you."

"I do not understand you, captain."

"Look, I only mean that-"

"I am aware of the meaning behind your words. I do not understand _you_. I do not understand why you should believe yourself unworthy of my friendship, Jim."

A warmth bubbles up in Kirk's chest that is quickly drowned in cold worthlessness. Tears prick at his eyes and he ducks his head, saying, "I never get to keep good things for long. My mother loved me and was a good mom, but I only saw her in spurts. My brother ran away every chance he got. I was only Tarsus IV for a few months before the famine set in and sent me into the woods to survive away from my family. Everyone I care about always goes away, so I never get my hopes up anymore. Everybody leaves. One day, you'll leave, too. You, Bones, Uhura, Scotty… everyone… so I try not to get attached."

Saying the words aloud makes Kirk realize how lonely he's made himself, and he finds he can't find the strength to look up at Spock. He stares down at his hands and blanket, blinking back his tears furiously.

"Is this your reasoning for continually placing yourself in life-threatening situations?" Spock asks, his voice low.

"Maybe," Kirk mumbles.

He can sense Spock's hurt but finds he can't summon a good thought to chase it away. He waits for the hybrid to disappear through the door, to leave like Kirk knows should. Spock is a good officer, one of the best. He could find another ship in the blink of an eye, a place where he won't be weighed down by Kirk, by a man weighed down by his own insecurities and self-hate. After all, Kirk can't even love himself. How can he even begin to love another being? Yes, Spock should definitely get out now. He waits for the sound of the door and is startled when Spock's footsteps come closer and stop in front of him. He still can't look up.

"Please, Jim. I wish to understand your reasoning for believing yourself unworthy of friendship and loyalty," Spock says softly, "I implore you to speak with me so that I may help remedy this illogical line of thought."

"It's pretty hard to remedy this, Spock," he explains, "I don't exactly enjoy feeling like this and believe me, if it were easy, I would have changed it long ago. There's just too much shit piled up, too many people that have told me I'm not good enough and that I don't deserve anything good in my life and I'm worthless and my father would be ashamed-…"

A tidal wave of negative emotions rises up in his chest, threatening to overwhelm him completely. A few tears spill over and drip onto his blanket. He wishes he could stop his feelings of worthlessness from creeping into the thread that just barely links their minds, sensing it oozing along like a noxious black sludge. He doesn't want Spock to have to feel that, to know what it's like to be constantly put down and made to feel like you never be good enough, but he can't seem to find a way to stop it. The thought makes him panic. He knows what it's like to deal with his sludge on a daily basis, how to keep it in check, but he doesn't know if Spock can. The thread grows black and brittle, ready to snap at a moment's notice, and Kirk panics even more. His chest hurts. His vision begins to cloud at the edges. His eyes burn with tears.

Two very warm hands settle themselves on either side of his face. Heat and emotion filter under Kirk's skin, sending some of his panic ebbing away. He hears Spock's voice whisper to him, though he can't tell if he was speaking or if it was in his mind: _Let me help, Jim_. _Please, let me help_.

Kirk lifts his gaze from his shaking hands and locks it on Spock's eyes. They are so close and expressive and _human_ and Kirk wonders how he never noticed. It hits him with a jolt that, yes, of course he's noticed. He knows Spock better than he knows anyone else in the universe, knows him almost as well as he knows himself. He can always tell when Spock is upset or happy or pissed off. Kirk can read him as easily as he can read anyone else… but not right now. The emotions swirling in the deep brown eyes are too fleeting and changing for him to decipher.

Spock carefully adjusts his fingers along the psi points on Kirk's face, murmuring, "Let me help."

Kirk can't find the voice to agree, but he knows that Spock can sense it. Spock adds the merest pressure to the meld points. Kirk's world goes blinding white.

xXxXx

Spock waits patiently for Kirk's mind to orient itself to the meld. He sees his captain in his mind's eye. The golden glow he usually possesses is faded, and he looks dull and sickly, curled in on himself as if for protection. He gives a full body twitch, and Spock knows he feels him there. The hybrid looks to their thread, visible in their minds, and sees it soaked in a thick, black, noxious sludge that oozes from Kirk's chest. It dribbles off the thread and stains Kirk's shirt and makes the thread feel brittle and heavy. Spock hates it.

Kirk shivers in place, refusing to move or acknowledge Spock, so Spock steps closer.

 _No! Don't come near me!_ Kirk exclaims, flinching back, _Don't come near me, or you'll get it all over you!_

 _I am not afraid. Please, I want to help you. Let me help you_ , Spock placates.

Emotional turmoil roils around them in an angry sea, the force almost powerful enough to knock Spock out of Kirk's mind, but he holds strong and approaches Kirk through the storm. Tears fall freely down the human's cheeks, and it occurs to Spock that he looks small and fragile. Spock reaches past the sludge and wraps Kirk in a tight embrace, ignoring the liquid soaking to his own skin. Kirk fidgets in his arms. Spock begins to feel the weight of the melancholy and worthlessness Kirk carries with him. He works to throw off the feelings, to soothe Kirk's seething emotions, to make him realize he is deserving of the loyalty and love he has earned.

_Spock, please… please, it'll hurt you…_

_I have told you I am not afraid. I only wish to help you. Please, I will show you…_

Spock does not wait for an answer, does not waste time. He begins with a barrage of his favorite memories of Kirk, however mundane. In a rare display, he allows another to feel the full weight of his emotions, letting them burst forth in a furor, the emotions he feels so deeply, that he is constantly trying to control. He allows Kirk to view his human half. Spock's emotions and memories are a vicious storm, a dreadful whirlwind that buffets them forcefully and makes Spock grip Kirk tighter for fear he may be ripped away.

Still, he allows the hurricane to continue, for Kirk must be made aware of his value, not only to the Enterprise or the Federation, but to Spock, especially to Spock. He drags out every memory he has, good and bad and sad and terrifying. He showers Kirk in every emotion he can dredge up, every emotion he's ever made him feel like primal rage and grief and joy and courage and awe and worry and fury and oh through all of these is woven the thread of love, so much love. It's the thread that connects them, that always has. Spock can see that now. He allows the raging storm to blow itself out, no longer able to sustain it. It seems to have purged the noxious ooze from their tendril.

He realizes with a start that Kirk is now supporting him, is holding their meld together after his energy has been utterly spent. Kirk's voice is a soothing whisper all around him: _Spock I'm here Spock thank you Spock you worry me too you make me mad you make me brave and proud and angry and so happy so joyous oh Spock never forget that I love you too that you are precious to me Spock my t'hy'la my other half that which makes me whole Spock my t'hy'la…_

Spock barely has the energy to reply: _Yes Jim you are my t'hy'la and I am yours Jim parted from me and never parted always and never touching and touched my t'hy'la my love_ _ **t'hy'la**_ _…_

He feels the thread thickening and strengthening, weaving tighter and forcing out the last of the foul muck that had contaminated it and made it weak. Kirk's mind is once more as beautiful and bright as he is in reality, so full of joy and exuberance and life. It makes Spock shine brighter, too, silver against Kirk's gold, like Earth's moon and sun. Spock loves him even more for it.

 _You're tired, Spock,_ he hears Kirk's gentle voice, _This wore you out._

 _I had not time to meditate prior to this meld,_ Spock replies, _As the initiator, it is taking a certain toll on my energy reserves… though I wish to remain here with you for as long as possible._

Kirk's laugh is a warm breeze through Spock's mind, and Kirk tells him, _I think it's time now. You're gonna hurt yourself if you don't rest, and I can't allow that. Besides, you can come back any time you want now… it's alright, Spock…_

They wrap each other in soft, warm light, and Spock carefully retreats to his own mental fortress, allowing Kirk to do the same before they rejoin the world.

xXxXx

Spock looks exhausted, and that's how Kirk can tell he is far beyond it. The hybrid's eyes are slightly unfocused, his lids drooping; he sways almost imperceptibly. Kirk realizes with a soft jolt that they are cupping each other's faces in their hands, and there's another minor shock when he notices their noses are touching, their breaths mingling between them. He revels in the thought of being so close, of what just passed between them, of having the one thing he'd wanted for so long. He butts his forehead up against Spock's, and Spock's eyes slip shut.

"Come on, Spock, just go to sleep," Kirk mutters.

"I do not require sleep," he murmurs in reply.

Kirk laughs softly, saying, "Liar, liar. I won't tell anyone if you fall asleep on me… or with me…"

"Jim, I get the impression you are attempting to be vulgar."

"I'm always attempting to be vulgar, you know that, but for now, I really do just wanna sleep. And I want to you to sleep, too… right here with me. I'll stay until you wake up. Whaddaya say, Spock?"

"I would be most amenable to such a situation, Jim… especially if you were to be present for the duration."

"Perfect. Come on then, off with the boots. No shoes in bed. No uniforms, either… and trousers are a definite no-no, even just for sleeping."

Once Spock has joined him in wearing only an undershirt and boxers, they curl up together in Kirk's bed. Kirk smiles at the familiarity borne from their bond. It makes him blush slightly, and he snuggles up closer to Spock's side, pressing his forehead to Spock's temple. He can hear and feel the steady hum of Spock's mind. He finds it calming, soothing. The words spill out of Kirk's mouth before he can stop them.

"I love you, Spock. I really do. A lot."

The hybrid turns to face him. He can see joy in the tired brown eyes. Spock moves his arm, bringing up his hand and extending the first two fingers toward Kirk, who instinctively mimics the gesture, pressing his own fingertips to Spock's. Warmth spreads from his fingers and settles in his core, bleeding into his veins until contentment fills him completely. Spock merely murmurs, "T'hy'la…"

Kirk asks softly, "What's this, Spock? That we're doing here?"

"Vulcan hands, as you know, are very sensitive," Spock replies, "This is how Vulcans kiss."

Kirk smiles, and Spock does, too, in his own way. Kirk can't stop himself. He closes the space between them and presses his lips to Spock's. He does not use force or tongue. He simply covers Spock's lips with his own, all while their fingers still touch. Kirk decides he's never been so happy in his whole life. The way Spock's mind nudges against his own says that he feels the same way.


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some language and very mild Bones on Jim violence.

When Kirk takes up his wonderful captain's chair once more, it feels like he's come home. The air on the bridge does not crackle with tension and rage but flows as easily as the banter between the crew. His crew and friends greet him warmly. Chekov and Sulu call out various readings from their screens, Scotty comms up from the engine room with a report on warp capabilities, and Uhura tells him of the pieces of communication he'd missed during his ordeal. It feels amazing to be back in his rightful place, not only on the ship, but in the world, the galaxy.

He gets himself all caught up, then he, Spock, and McCoy head to the transporter room, where they meet Coleman and Lester. Lester is obviously sedated, her green eyes glazed over and blank. She looked like her mind was completely empty. Kirk finds that he somehow still feels sorry for her.

"I trust you'll make sure she gets the help she needs, Dr. Coleman?" McCoy asks.

"Certainly. Starbase 2 has the finest psychiatric facilities this side of the galaxy," Coleman answers, "Of course, her parents need to be told, and I think I should be the one to do it. They have a right to know."

"I wish you both the best of luck," Kirk tells him honestly.

He shakes the gnarled, bony hand and watches as Coleman and Lester disappear into light.

"Spock, you have the conn. Return to the bridge and make sure we get to Beta Aurigae on time for our rendezvous with the Potemkin. I'll be up soon."

His eyes follow his first officer as he leaves. He is then grabbed by the arm by McCoy, who growls, "You've got some explainin' to do," and drags him to his office. Once the door is shut and the coast is clear, McCoy hisses, "Chrissakes, Jim, what was that goofy ass smile on your face for?"

"Well, you offer me some of that good stu-OW!"

The sound of McCoy's palm connecting with the back of Kirk's head rings through the office. Kirk grimaces, rubbing the back of his head, whining, "What was that for, Bones? Aren't you supposed to do no harm?"

"I'm gonna do a lot more than harm ya if ya don't explain yerself right now."

McCoy is definitely upset. Kirk can tell by how thick his accent is. (McCoy's anger and the thickness of his Southern drawl are, after all, directly proportional.)

"Besides," McCoy continues, "I don't think smackin' you in the head's gonna do ya much harm anyway, 'cause ya ain't got nothin' in there! What is _wrong_ with you, Jim Kirk? You're the _captain_! Ya can't go around gettin' romantic with yer crew and certainly not with yer XO! I mean, I figured you'd at least wait 'til we were back on Earth before ya started plannin' the wedding and-"

"Wait, what? Bones, what are you talking about?"

"Gol _ly_ , Jim, a blind man could see how much you two love each other. The codependence level is bordering on the unhealthy and unnatural. I mean, I wasn't a hundred percent sure ya wanted to be romantically involved with him, but I could see ya love him and that the two of ya have a very strong bond, one I sure never had with anyone."

"Bones," Kirk mutters, "Bones, don't say that. You know that I love you, too, and that I-"

"I know you do… but not like Spock. You'd pick him over me any day if it really came down to lives."

"I would not. I'd save you both… or I'd give up my own life so neither one of you would die."

McCoy ducks his head, his voice low. Kirk moves closer to hear him better.

"You idjit, that would only kill me and Spock faster. Look, Lord knows I love ya, Jim, but not like him. You're like that stupid little brother I never had, so don't think I'm jealous, 'cause I'm not. That's not what this is about."

"Then what is this about?"

"I just… you've gotta be careful, Jim, real careful. You can be sure that if the admiralty catches wind of this, you and Spock won't even be assigned to the same quadrant, let alone together on the Enterprise. You'd barely ever see each other, and I'm not sure if either one of ya could handle that," McCoy explains gently.

Kirk's eyes feel wet, and he casts them down at the floor. Good ol' Bones. He always knows what a person needs to hear. Thankfully, this time it was also something Kirk _wanted_ to hear.

"What did I do to deserve you, Len?" Kirk asks, using a seldom-said nickname.

"I often ask myself the same question, kid," McCoy growls, "just know I won't do it again. Wasn't worth it, 't all."

Kirk gives the doctor a gentle punch to the arm. McCoy continues to pretend he's not a huge softie, but Kirk knows better.

"Thanks, Bones. I really appreciate it."

"Anytime, kid. Now git outta my office. I work to do."

Kirk is nearly to the door when McCoy adds, "Jim… I'm glad you're happy. I really am. Just don't let it make you stupid, alright?"

McCoy's face is open and kind and loving, and Kirk smirks back, "I hear ya."

"Good. Now you git outta my office."

Kirk returns to the bridge and settles in his chair, in his customary lounging position, secretly reveling in the warmth left by Spock. He looks to his XO, asking, "How's our ship, Mr. Spock?"

"We are on course for Beta Aurigae, captain, with the ship operating at full capacity."

"Mr. Sulu?"

"We are predicted to reach Beta Aurigae on schedule, captain."

"Lt. Uhura?"

"The Potemkin is also on course, captain. They radioed to confirm our rendezvous, as did the base on Beta Aurigae. Dr. Coleman also sent confirmation from Starbase 2, reporting the patient is checked in and undergoing evaluation, sir."

"Excellent. Let's keep this trip running smooth. We don't want the Enterprise to be late."

His words are met with a chorus of 'Aye's. He looks to the viewscreen and watches stars and planets and systems fly by, and he feels so happy it almost hurts. The bright thread that connects his mind to Spock's, that he finds himself vividly aware of, stirs into life, thrumming and vibrating with contentment and joy that is not entirely his own. A bubble of warmth settles calmly in his chest, and he can't keep the grin from his face. He is _home_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shameless plug: Please check out some of my other AOS fics, like 'If My Heart Keeps Singing' featuring a little love for Scotty, who I find to be a bit ignored in fanfiction. It features an OC that I didn't put in here named Winifred 'Freddey' Mulcahy, a Starfleet chaplain I first introduced in my fic 'Acts of Courage' (Tarsus IV). 
> 
> There's also going to be plenty more of Freddey to come in my series 'The Chaplain's Log'. The first fic you'll find for that is called 'In the Sight of the Stars' and features CPT Pike. I'd really like some concrit on her character, if you find the time to check those out.
> 
> Thanks for hanging in there with this fic! May you all Live Long and Prosper.


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